letting go - part 3

let go of being successful.

let go of being right.

and today's letting go blog will be about the 3rd compulsion we need to let go of:

the compulsion to be powerful. to have everything under control.

this is probably my biggest hang = up. i like to be in the driver's seat of my life, my faith, my future. my my my. but this is what ends up happening when i assume responsibility of driving the car, so to speak:

but i'm a control freak and i love being in control. i love feeling like i have all the power in a given situation. this is an allusion, however. because none of us is really in control.

i know this is a short blog, but the reason i haven't blogged since august was because i haven't had the time i needed to develop this 3rd blog on letting go. so i decided to just write and not try to make it anything. even blogging is a control issue for me. so i'm letting go :) and i'm going to just post blogs from now on and not worry about whether or not it's polished or worthy of reading. i'm just going to share. and continue letting go.

since my last post in august, God has continued to challenge me in the area of letting go. the most challenging part has been this:

letting go of what others think of me

it's oh so hard, but one of the best and most freeing things of all.

letting go - part 2

in "letting go - part 1" i divulged some pretty intense stuff. like how these past 6 months have been about dying to self. dying to the obsession to be successful. dying to identities that are outside of who Christ has made me to be.

to recap: i'm walking through an incredible book by richard rohr called "simplicity" and God is rocking my world with it. in my previous blog i talked about the first of the three compulsions we have to let go of, according to richie. which is how i will fondly refer to him as from now on.

the second of the three is the compulsion to be right. ouch, this is a big one for me because i love to be right. i love to be theologically right, dogmatically right, and so on and so forth. basically, i think i have the right to be right.

i used to be so legalistic back in college. i'm still sometimes ashamed of those days. i knew i was right about, oh, say everything. and i knew everyone else was wrong. if you didn't believe how i did, you were dead to me. if you didn't hold to my same "right" beliefs, i considered you "lost." ugh. but how many of us do this continually everyday?

i remember i used to be so legalistic in my "rightness" that i never hesitated to tell people about how wrong they were. one of my sorority sisters in college drank coffee every morning. in my self-righteousness, i thought Jesus should be enough to wake oneself up in the morning. so when she walked into the dining room, i said point-blank "you always have coffee in the morning. is Jesus not enough?" ---- yep, not one of my finer moments. this is when Jesus would've probably looked at me and said "Get behind me satan. i love coffee too." what's funny is that i'm writing this blog with coffee in the passenger's seat on my couch.

so needless to say, i've come a long way. but there are still parts of me that need to die to this obsession with being right. sometimes we so badly want people to change and think like we think. we want them to see the right light as we have. but this is an obsession we must let go of.

richie writes:

"Many things in life cannot be changed; we can only grieve over them. So long as we are no longer under the compulsion of wanting to change them, we have the freedom to change them. Then the change comes from much greater depth - not from our anger, but from a place of integrity; not from a place where fear dwells, but from deep trust; not from a place where self-righteousness rules, but from wisdom."

not only has God uprooted that desire to be known and be successful in my career and ministry, He is walking me through the importance of letting go of always being right, having the right answers, and making sure other people were convinced i was right and in control. what's the common denominator in all that? ME. self-image. selfishness. again, i'm reminded i need to let go of me in order to find Jesus, who really makes me me anyway.

letting go of being right is really hard though, as i'm sure you are all well aware of. Jesus never commanded us to be right. i remember Him commanding us to love our enemies and love one another - even if we think the other person is wrong. oh but this can be so hard!

"When Jesus healed sick people, he always said 'Your faith has made you whole.' He never said, 'Your correct doctrine, your orthodoxy, your dogmatism have healed you.'" - richie

is doctrine important? absolutely. but not at the cost of failing to love others. it is truly amazing what happens when we have grace with ourselves. we naturally end up having grace for others. when i was the most rigid with others, i realized that it was because i was most rigid with myself. i didn't really love myself, thus i had a really hard time loving others. especially those who were different than me and believed different than me.

i still struggle with judgmentalism. what's ironic is that my latest battle has been to guard against being judgmental toward judgmental people. sounds like a riddle, but it's so true and difficult. i end up doing exactly what frustrates me in other people.

"The problem is precisely in the need to be right and the need to think of myself as right. That is the problem for the soul. I have to do my work and leave the judgment to God. I need to avoid the compulsion to be constantly passing judgment, because those constantly passing judgment are not in a position to honestly perceive their own reality." ouch richie. ouch.

but isn't it true?

so my challenge to you and myself is to choose Love instead of choosing to be right. i have to constantly remind myself to do this with others, as well as apply it to dealing with myself. i am my own worst enemy and my own worst critic. we must start being more gentle with ourselves, less rigid and more loving. so hopefully that will bleed onto those around us. and maybe we can change the world just a little bit through one simple act of love and service to others.

i challenge you to join me in praying this prayer:

"Jesus, help me love You, myself, and others as You have loved me. help me trust you. help me let go of my desire to be right."

love is the new right.

letting go - part 1

so there i was laying in my bed last night having trouble falling asleep. my mind was going 100 mph. i soon realized i was writing in my head. i couldn't stop writing and thinking about stuff i wanted to write. then it hit me: i haven't blogged in a decade. i have so much to say, and that's the reason i haven't blogged. so much has happened, it's almost like, where do i even start? but this morning, i was reading in my favorite new book, and i got inspired to focus today's blog on something very specific, and also very personal.

the theme: letting go

the time: hardest and best time of my life

the place: blogging from my living room couch

the problem: the bug guy just came and sprayed the inside so it smells and i'm getting a headache

the solution: keep blogging

thus, i've returned from the blogging dead. this blog series will be in parts because you would all go blind if you read everything at once. the following quote encapsulates pretty much everything i've been learning and going through since i last blogged.

"In my opinion there are three primary things that we have to let go of. First is the compulsion to be successful. Second is the compulsion to be right - even, and especially, to be theologically right. That's an ego trip, and because of this need churches have split in half, with both parties prisoners of their own egos. Finally there is the compulsion to be powerful, to have everything under control. I'm convinced that these are the three demons Jesus faced in the wilderness. And so long as we haven't looked these three demons in the face, we should presume that they're still in charge. The demons have to be called by name, clearly, concretely, and practically, spelling out just how imperious and self-righteous we are. This is the first lesson in the spirituality of subtraction." -- excerpt from "Simplicity" by Richard Rohr

so... that's what i've been up to (to answer many emails and inquiries) i have been looking these three demons, so to speak, in the face. and up til recently, those compulsions have been in charge.

first, some perspective and time-context:

i led worship on a women's retreat several months ago. since i lead worship for so many retreats, it's easy for me to see myself as someone who is there to serve and pour out, rather than be poured into. rarely do i go expecting to rest and retreat, like most of the other participants. but at this particular women's retreat with a group of amazing gals from the dallas area, nothing was business as usual. or should i say, ministry as usual. God was preparing me for something and this was the catalyst.

at the retreat, the resounding theme was "let go." it wasn't the theme of the retreat and no one necessarily spoke about it, but it was being spoken to my heart every second of every day. one night, i was on a panel where spontaneously i spoke about my deepest fears. my fears grew legs and started walking all over the room out of my mouth. i shared with these women (most of whom i didn't even know) about how my biggest fear was losing my ministry. i struggle so badly with trust. i'm not sure if i'll be able to eat tomorrow, even though God has provided food for me everyday for 27 years. i doubt if i'll be able to pay my mortgage, even though i've never gone one night without a roof over my head and a decent bed. i fear that i'll have nothing, even though my whole life i've had everything i needed. on this panel, sitting on an incredibly uncomfortable stool because my jeans were too tight, i divulged. directly following my flood of fears speech, a friend of mine said something so simple yet so powerful and life-changing.

she said that sometimes at the root of our deepest fears, we will find an idol.

whoa. wow. and ouch. it hit me all at once like a mallet. the root of my fear was my ministry. keyword being "my." had my ministry become an idol? had i finally fallen into that trap against which i have tried so desperately to protect? had i let my ego and self and flesh get in the way of humility, yet again?

yes. yes. and undeniably yes.

that night, everything changed for me. i realized everything had to change for me. i couldn't go back. i was on my face wallowing with conviction. i had allowed life to become about me. God was preparing me, in that moment, to let go. not just of something so small as "my" ministry, but to let go of my entire self. to let go of lindsey kane. to let go of my ambition, wants, needs, desires, fears, obsessions, anxieties, etc.

little did i know that God was going to take me into a season of letting go of everything. a season where lindsey kane ministries would be that seed that fell to the ground and died, so that new growth could begin. so that my heart could be changed. so that my pride and arrogance and self-righteousness would become extinct. or at least, that long arduous process would start. but i'm jumping ahead of myself.

what began that night continues to grow inside my heart each day. even now as i sit here typing, i can go back to that day and that place where i felt the sting of conviction. a friend of mine once said "it can't be all about God when it's still all about you." i never wanted it to be all about me, but for some reason, a little bit of self crept in. so, what began that night was a much needed death: death to self. that might, i became painfully aware of the first of the three things richard writes about in his book:

>>> i had given in to the compulsion to be successful <<<

thankfully, i have the Holy Spirit inside me who will stop at nothing to make me look more like Jesus. so there was a huge part of me that genuinely wanted God to get all the glory. i've wanted Him to be the focus of this ministry He's called me to. but oh the flesh - so strong. almost like that nagging fly that insists on landing on your food. always trying to get in the way. and it had. the fly had flown for far too long. it was time to raise the holy fly swatter and get to killing.

so that's part 1: the death of my compulsion and obsession with being successful. it seems i've been here before, oh say 200 times. but still, God in His kindness, continues tenderly to teach me this lesson.

total worship

so there i was, checking my email which i haven't done in a while, and a friend emailed me an amazing article by paul baloche. enjoy. feel free to share your thoughts, comments, opinions.

"If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins."
- Benjamin Franklin

"Passion, though a bad regulator, is a powerful spring."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Reason is the natural order of truth."
- C.S. Lewis

It's no surprise in today's culture that media is driven by passion. One look at movies and music today will show that the angst and cry of a broken heart will sell far more than a rational understanding or portrayal of the world. The same may to be true for modern church and worship. It is possible that the Church relies more heavily upon passion than it does intellect.

Consider discipleship programs that emphasize the importance of a heart set on fire for God. It's these same programs that encourage living in a constant state of expectation from God-never being satisfied with the place we're at but always striving for the mountaintop. The idea here is that at every peak of faith, there is a higher level of passion and emotion relating to our walk with God. It is true that we want to be continually growing in our relationship with God, but an inordinate emphasis on this type of striving may, in fact, cause disappointment or even loss of faith.
Beyond Adrenaline

Our God is not purely an emotional being. Time and again in Scripture God makes the emphasis on knowledge known: "Make your ear attentive to wisdom, incline your heart to understanding; for if you cry for discernment, lift your voice for understanding" (Proverbs 2:2-3 NAS). Increasingly over the years, I've seen a decline in the meaningful content of teaching and lyrics. Discipleship seems to focus on what to avoid rather than what to learn and question. Worship is based on a permeating drum-line and an epic sound rather than what the words mean that we are singing. Repetition has replaced ingenuity of expression. Emotion and passion have replaced intellect and rationale. What used to be a steady, sound faith is now running the risk of becoming as fluid as our likes and dislikes.

The goal of being a Christian is to become mature in that faith. The emphasis on passion in the Church seems to derail, or at least not encourage, this maturity in faith; instead, passion and emotion develop Christians who upon the slightest bump will wonder what their faith has come to. I've seen this in young and old Christians, alike. When their faith is based primarily on an emotion, the moment that feeling leaves them, they wonder where God has gone.

Here and Now

As worship leaders, we might find ourselves praying week after week in front of the congregation for God to take us to a place we've never been, when perhaps God is trying to speak to us right where we are at. The latter creates an atmosphere of people worshiping in the moment. The former encourages a feeling of unfulfilled urgency rather than immediate connection.

Instead of fiery passion, let me suggest we emphasis a mature expression of love. It is love that is proclaimed to be above all other gifts, above all hope and faith (1 Corinthians 13:13). It is love that does not fail when the feeling fades or when the relationships get tough. Love does not expect a pleasant emotion to accompany it at all times. Love does not expect that we will be excited and in awe of it at every turn. Love does not ask to be pointed out and flaunted in every area of our lives. Rather, love is our foundation. Regardless of how passionate we feel about serving God or other people, our mature, quietly persisting love will withstand the many trials we face.

Total Worship
This subject is not easy to address in our Christian culture. Always-whether it is in politics, entertainment, or the Church-people who focus on emotionalism always look more compassionate and spiritual than those who don't. Let us not be swayed by this façade. Emotion is fleeting, but wisdom and love are steady. Being steady is what will win out in the long run-whether it is in human relationships or in our walk with God. Passion has its place in a body of believers who want to come together to worship God, but this should be only a part of the total worship experience.

CD review

hey peeps!

i know it's been too long since my last blog, but this has been the craziest month, probably of my life. so please have grace on a sistah. 

today i wanted to share a CD review with you that i just received. on my last project, i got a really bad review from a guy in the Christian music industry. and i'll admit, it hurt my little feelers. but i let it make me stronger! yeah right, who am i kidding. it totally still hurts my feelings when i think about it.

but lo and behold, here is a positive review of the new CD "you'll be whole" - which you really should buy. i believe so much in this music that i'm allowing people to copy my cd and give it to their friends. how about that?!

i don't think it's on itunes yet because itunes is as slow as my great grandad's narcoleptic sleep-talking sentences. 

but click HERE to read the review.

and don't worry, i promise i'll actually blog something interesting soon... 

in case you didn't know...

so there i was, looking at the 3000 copies of my new CD in my garage and i thought, "hmm... i should post about this so that people will give loving homes to these CDs"

thus, my post

hey guess what? the new CD is officially out and ready for your purchasing/listening pleasure. you can order it on my website - look for the "resources" tab. it's next day shipping. pretty amazing. and it's only ten buckaroos and let's face it, i need to find them homes so that the music can go throughout the world and bring glory to Jesus.

but let me warn you, this CD is unlike anything i've ever done. it's very out-of-the-box and i guarantee you'll enjoy it. if you don't, i'll give you your money back - and i mean that.

you can listen before you buy on my website: www.lindseykaneministries.org or on my myspace page: www.myspace.com/lindseykane2

ORDER HERE

yes yes, it'll be available on itunes, but not til a couple more weeks. plus, you don't get the cool packaging when you order on itunes. and i get hosed financially.

for your viewing pleasure, here is a video about the making of the new CD:

a psycho dog and my flesh

when i saw this video, after i almost had to change my pants, i realized something deeper. why must i find the teachable moment and the deeper meaning in everything? i don't know. but i figured i would share it with you nice people.

did you see how the dog was relentless about keeping that leg away from his bone? he wouldn't let up. he didn't quit. he refused to even give that leg a chance at the prized bone. and i thought to myself... Paul talks about something similar to what this dog is going through in Romans 7:

15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. 21 So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me.


follow me here... our sin nature, or our flesh as it's sometimes called, is alot like that dog's leg. it creeps up and tries to get our "bone" (steal our joy, get us off track) but we must fight that temptation. the next time i feel temptation creeping up, i'm gonna try to think about this dog and his tenacity to fight off his leg.

grrrr.....

part 2 of the top 100 things (ridiculously long list of randomness)

many of you have been telling me "you need to update your blog loser" since it's been like 2 months and all... so here ya go! the other half of the 100 random things


continued...

51. i lead worship at two churches when i'm in town, not traveling elsewhere. i go from leading at terranova's early service in georgetown to austin baptist church's late service. it makes for quite the eventful morning.

52. every time i get on a plane i have an inner struggle inside my head. i want the exit row for the extra leg space but i don't know if i'm prepared for the responsibility of getting that huge door open. i hear it's really heavy

53. one time i got arrested in branson, MO because i sat on the street corner in downtown branson and opened my guitar case and started singing for money. i didn't know it was illegal and that i had to have a permit.

54. i won countless taco eating contests in high school

55. i have an unhealthy fear of mayonnaise. hatred really.

56. one time i got asked to sing in new england. someone asked me "where in new england are you singing?" i said i didn't know. she kept pushing. so finally i answered "i don't know where i'm singing! i was just so excited because i've never been to canada!" sad thing is, i was serious.

57. i hate geography

58. sometimes the room spins and i don't know why

59. i graduated from texas a&m university in 2004 with a degree in History and a teaching certificate and a coaching minor. before the whole music thing, i wanted to be a history teacher and a coach

60. i'm a Tridelta. wouldn't take me for a sorority girl would ya? delta love.

61. i'm frustrated that i don't understand microwaves

62. pom poms make me nervous

63. i'm the once-a-week co-host on a radio station in austin called the river 102.3

64. i'm having second thoughts as to whether or not it's too egocentric to write 100 things about myself

65. i get frustrated when guys think i like them just because i'm really nice to them. i try to be really nice to everyone.

66. i love hitting the low keys on the piano really hard

67. one time i nominated myself to be on the bachelor. thank God they didn't choose me.

68. i had a speech impediment when i was little. i couldn't say my R's. so my brother would tease me and always ask me to say words with R in them. like roy. couldn't say roy until a couple years ago.

69. i stole from sandra bullock. but if you read my blog you already know that story.

70. someday my dream is to move to kenya and open an orphanage

71. i could eat queso on anything. and its depressing when i travel outside of texas and other states call it "cheese dip" and its sick out.

72. i always sneeze in pairs

73. i tried to get lasik surgery once and i got all the way through to where i was lying on the table to begin surgery and the doctor came in at the last minute and said i couldn't get it done because he said i might have thinning corneas and i could go blind if i got the procedure. i'm still bitter.

74. i'm so stinkin excited about my new EP that officially came out TODAY but i don't like the term EP because alot of people don't know what it means. so basically EP stands for "i didn't have enough money to make a full record so this is a record with 8 songs so we'll call it an EP"

75. i don't like drama

76. i'm literally running out of things to say, and i'm beginning to think this was a bit egocentric of me to think i could actually think of 100 things... so i'm going to stop at 76... seems like a good number

if you're still reading, you should go to my website www.lindseykaneministries.org and order the brand new CD!

plus, i'm trying to raise money to go to uganda and kenya, africa this summer, so go ahead and get you some kanedles while you're at it

100, yes 100 things you may or may not know (or want to know) about me

so there i was on facebook and i started doing the "25 things about me" note thingee. it inspired me to go for the gold and try 100. i can't imagine thinking of 100 things to write, but the challenge got the best of me. so here we go...

1. i constantly make mouth beats and i find myself singing all throughout the day regardless of if anyone else is watching or listening. i can't help it. and when i feel awkward singing, i whistle.

2. deep down, i really want to love yoga and pilates but i can't touch my toes. 

3. i was kicked out of dance class when i was little. and gymnastics. still can't do a backbend. they are so overrated in my opinion. who needs that in real life, really? 

4. if i could hang out with any animal for a day it would be a lion. a nice one that didn't want to eat me. some day i will blog about my amazing life-changing lion dream.

5. when i got my braces off in the 7th grade, i didn't smile for a week because i was embarrassed.

6. i want to go on the oprah show. not just attend. i want to be on it.

7. pad-see-ew is my favorite thai dish in the world. i dream about it at night.

8. i was almost killed by a manatee in the ocean when i was little. and when i say killed, i mean that it looked at me wrong and i got scared.

9. i trained for a triathlon in college and got sick 1 week before i was supposed to do it.

10. mean people stress me out. though i don't show it, i'm fairly sensitive and i wish everyone would be nice to each other. words can tear me apart like you wouldn't believe. 

11. i went to counseling for 2 years in college and it saved my life. i might even go back because i love it so much. everyone should go to counseling whether they think they need it or not.

12. i am a DVR junkie. i will not miss an episode of heroes, ugly betty, 24, private practice, grey's anatomy (don't judge me), the office, the bachelor, true beauty

13. i have an alter-ego named hershalee p. suggins who is a 68 year old african-american woman who is the secretary for a church with the longest name in the world

14. one of my least favorite things is what i like to call "purse crap" - the stuff that you unavoidably get under your fingernails when you're digging in your purse for something you know is in there but you can't find it in the black abyss 

15. my life long dream is to sing in all 50 states before i die. anyone live in north dakota and need a singer? email me.

16. i dislike the overuse of exclamation points though i'm guilty of it often

17. i don't cry often, but when i do cry, it's an ugly cry

18. when i was little i stole a bible from the dentist's office and i still have no idea why. i mean really, who steals a bible?

19. the one time i actually tried to change a tire, the car ended up falling off the jack and onto my arm

20. my middle school boyfriend shaved my initials in the back of his head for valentines day. i broke up with him a week later.

21. i have no fashion sense nor do i try to pretend like i do

22. i'm a pyromaniac

23. clowns terrify me

24. there are times in my life when i doubt God's goodness and sovereignty. but i'm so thankful that my doubts don't change the fact that He is good and sovereign

25. i hate the way my jeans fit when i dry them. but then i hate how they feel when i dont dry them. it's quite the quandary.

26. 90% of the clothes i own are from target

27. i'm a size 12 (on a good day) and proud of it. one time a lady in the music industry told me she'd sign me and make me famous if i lost 30 lbs.    no thanks.

28. i regrettably killed the hamster in my middle school science class because i gave him a bath. i never told anyone. until now. sorry mrs. rodgers

29. one time in college i wrote a song for my spanish final about a famous cello player named pablo casals. my spanish teacher yelled at me in front of the whole class saying i was a disgrace to the entire hispanic community and the country of Spain. she failed me. i thought the song was really good. it was to the tune of la cucaracha.

30. i strongly dislike the use of capital letters and punctuation in my writing, as you can probably gather from all my posts

31. i have an unhealthy fear of daddy longlegs because one time at summer camp, 3 trash bags full of them were poured on me for my birthday. now when i see one i have to go through mental steps to avoid paralysis and tears

32. i can't believe you're still reading this list. and i can't believe i'm still writing things on it. how will i get to 100?

33. 33 is my favorite number, besides 7 and 22

34. i think anyone who says they have all the right answers is possibly the wrongest person in the world

35. i threw a necklace at clay walker (the country star) when i attended his concert in high school. it hit him right in the face and he stopped his song to look down at me with disgust and confusion. i was chased out of the arena by the police

36. my favorite concert/ministry experience of all time was when i performed in a high-security women's prison in anchorage, alaska

37. the first song i ever wrote was when i was 8 and the lyrics were "how do i become a christian? how do i open my heart and let Him in? how do i become a christian? i just open my heart. and He'll come in." a week later i wrote a rap song about being the first white female 8 yr old rapper. my name would be "lil kane" and i would have a grill - i digress

38. it kills me when people judge me based on what they think they know about me

39. i went to a snoop dog concert many many years ago and dressed up in full-on ghetto garb. i immediately regretted that decision as soon as i walked into the venue. i was sure i would get jumped but luckily i made it out alive

40. when i was in high school, i wouldn't allow myself to go in for dinner until i had shot 50 free throws in a row

41. my goal in life is to make every single person who comes across my path feel special and know that they are loved by me and God. without condition. without an agenda.

42. i dream about what it would be like if we got back to matthew 25 christianity: when Jesus says "i was hungry and you gave me something to eat. i was thirsty and you gave me something to drink. when i was naked, you clothed me. i was in prison and you came to visit me. what you have done to the least of these, you have done to Me."

43. when i finally went to the doctor at age 21 to get tested for ADHD, he stared at me from above his glasses and said "this is the most severe case of undiagnosed and unmedicated ADHD i've ever seen in 30 years of practicing" 

44. i chew the pulp in my orange juice before i swallow. i've recently been informed that i chew ice cream as well.

45. my life changed when i was on a mountain top in missouri and i audibly heard God say "it's not your fault" - that set me free from guilt i'd been carrying for about a year. long story, i can't go into, but maybe someday i'll blog about that experience.

46. the other time i heard God audibly speak to me was when i was in the bathroom of a Luby's and i heard "I'm going to use you in a powerful way" i looked around the see who was talking to me. the restroom was unoccupied. 

47. i would rather be cold than hot any day. a beautiful day to me is a clear cool 50 degree day. i get grumpy when i'm hot.

48. i am obsessed with punctuality. i strive to always be on time. if you're 5 minutes early you're on time. if you're on time, you're late.

49. i hate when i put lotion on my hands and then can't turn off my bedside lamp to go to sleep

50. i'm only gonna do 50 for this post and i'll do another post with the last 50. i have to go get ready for a weekend DNOW event though so i have to stop. thanks for reading :) 

God's thumbnail

i was out late last night walking my dog around the block in hopes of getting a good "potty" before bedtime and i started looking up at the night sky. in my galileo moment, in the clear sky, i saw a ton of stars. but what intrigued me the most was the moon. usually full moons are my fave, but last night it was the thin sliver of the visible moon that caught my eye. 

ya know the one: when only a sliver of the moon is visible. my granny used to say it was God's thumbnail. but something so new hit me last night.

the moon was barely visible. literally, only a sliver was showing. but i still knew the moon was there. i knew the moon hadn't gotten smaller, just because i could only see a little bit of it. i didn't doubt the existence of the moon because i could barely see it. i didn't doubt the nature of the moon, just because it wasn't full. 

i couldn't see it in its entirety, but i was still awed by it. i still believed it had the capacity to be full. and i knew that my view of it couldn't change its properties. 

so this led me to think about God. 

i realized in that moment that so often i doubt God's goodness or His sovereignty when i can't see Him in all of His fullness and glory. sometimes i only see a sliver of God and sometimes that causes me to doubt different things. when i'm in a valley or a difficult situation, i can't see clearly. i can't see the full picture. sometimes i can't even see a sliver. but my prayer is that when i'm in those situations, that i will rest on what i do know: God is good. He loves me. and He is in control. He will work everything out for my good and His glory. though i can't see it, though i can't see Him fully, i know He is there in all of His fullness.

my view of Him can't change who He is. when His presence seems distant or His goodness seems to be but a sliver, somehow we need to rest in the promise of Immanuel. He is there. 

"Blessed are those who have not seen, yet believe."

- Jesus 

i hate white keys

Edith Sitwell once said "I wish the government would put a tax on pianos for the incompetent."

wow. edith would not have liked me. in fact, had she been at one of my concerts, she surely would've left. because what i do on the piano is entirely for the incompetent.

i can't read music. those little black notes on sheet music scare me more than daddy longlegs running around without supervision.

so maybe you're wondering how i play piano then? well, for the first couple years of playing, i only played the black keys. and you'll see why.

i was performing at my university around the lunch hour one day in college. this politician came up to me and said he'd pay me to provide musical entertainment for his campaign party. he was running for senator or something like that. so being the hungry and poor college student that i was, i said yes. he said he enjoyed my voice and guitar playing.

that's why i was so stunned when i showed up at the campaign party and he asked me to play the piano. only. no singing, no guitar, no microphones. just the piano sitting in the middle of everything.

i could've said "sorry dude, i don't play the piano" but $200 was involved so i decided that maybe those few piano lessons i took when i was younger would miraculously re-surface.

i was sorely mistaken.

nervous, i sat down at the piano, which might as well have been an oboe. it was awkward and i didn't know how i was going to pull this off. but i'm so glad i did, because i learned how to play the piano that day.

i sat down and looked at said piano and decided that i would choose to play the black keys since they happened to be raised up, and also there were less of those keys. so i started playing the black keys.

for some reason, i chose to play every other black key. and i started noticing that i wasn't hitting any wrong notes. and the music kinda came naturally to me. so one note led to a chord and a chord led to a melody and before i knew it, i was somewhat playing this piano.

for some reason, i started playing "my heart will go on" impromptu-style. it just started coming out of my fingers and i was playing it. couldn't explain it. still can't. i guess that's why people call it a gift? cuz i sure didn't work at it. it just came to me. then i started playing other songs naturally, that i had remembered. for some reason they were 80s love songs. not sure how that happened, but i was just glad to be playing something and not getting fired and yelled at.

so i continue playing. did i mention i was asked to play for 2 hours? yes. 2 hours of totally winging it. but played i did. and faked it, i did.

something happened that was borderline miraculous as i sat there playing cheezy love songs. it came so natural to me. i felt the piano keys like i'd been playing for 15 years. i understood musically what was happening. and i knew what would happen if i played certain notes. so i kept playing and different songs would surface.

so for two hours i played some rendition of "my heart will go on" and "i can only imagine" sprinkled in there with other various and sundry musical classics. i fell in love with the piano in those moments. and i got paid for it. not a bad deal.

but surely i'd be found out! surely someone would see i was a fraud of a pianist and kick me out of the really nice hotel ballroom the party was held in. but no. it was just the opposite. in fact, at one point during the night, a man came up to me and said "i recognize that song." i was terrified he was going to say "why are you playing celine dion over and over again?" but instead he said, "ya, i know that song. isn't that a mozart piece?"

i snickered. and said, "of course it is. i'm awesome."

no, really, i told him i didn't know what i was playing. because i didn't. i was just letting my fingers create music and it was more natural than breathing. but still i only ventured on the black keys. with an occasional white key mistake.

that officially launched my budding piano career. i still mostly play on the black keys and i still can't read music. i dont want to. it stresses me out to think about all those little black notes staring at me from those white sheets of music.

hope you enjoyed the video. that really happened. i've learned not to rest a water bottle on the piano when i'm about to play it. pianos and water bottles do not pair well with one another. consider yourself warned.

so what can we learn from this story? God gives us different gifts for different reasons, even when we're not expecting it or asking for it. use your gifts. you have them for a very specific reason.

Hope Unlimited

in addition to LOVING compassion international, i also want to blog about another amazing ministry that has recently come to my attention. my incredible sister-in-law Erin is doing some work for them and she passed this info along to me and now i want to pass it along to you! She'll be visiting Brazil Jan. 30th, so stay tuned for more info on Hope Unlimited.

her message is below:

I am contacting you to let you know about an amazing ministry called Hope Unlimited for Children. The heart of this ministry for the past 17 years has been to rescue and transform the lives of thousands of homeless, orphaned street children in Brazil.

Just to give you a little background, it is estimated that there are up to 7 million children currently living on the streets of Brazil where their life expectancy is only 3 years. I was amazed by the testimony of one boy who said he lived on gum he picked off the sidewalk during his time on the streets. He and many others have been rescued from sure death when they were taken to one of Hope’s three facilities in the country that house up to 500 children per facility. These kids go through educational, emotional and relational rehabilitation that includes everything from marriage counseling to job training before they graduate. An astounding 70% of kids who go through the program are now in a home with a stable job, and attending church in their community.

Hope’s President, David Nowell has spent a lot of time in Brazil getting to know the kids and hearing their stories and testimonies of God’s faithfulness.

If you are interested in finding out more about this life-changing ministry, please let me know.


Hope Unlimited Video:




Hope Unlimited Website:

http://www.hopeunlimited.org/


More About Hope Unlimited

In the early 1990’s a growing number of children were living on the streets of Brazilian cities. Members of Brazilian local governments decided to do something about the problem by hiring off-duty law enforcement officers to go out, kill and bury these children by the hundreds. One official was even quoted as saying, “Bury them standing up so we will have enough room for them all.”

In 1991 an American missionary by the name of Jack Smith heard about what was happening to these children, so he and his son Phillip booked a flight to go down to Brazil and see what could be done to help. On their flight they met a man whose father was the CEO of a Brazilian orphanage that had just closed its doors. Before the plane landed, Jack and Phillip had the building where they would begin their project, Hope Unlimited for Children. Now, 17 years later, Hope continues its work with three facilities that house rescued street children, plus a newly donated preschool located near Campinas, Brazil that will become Hope’s Child Development Center.

Today it is estimated that 7 million children are living on the streets in Brazil, and while the problem seems daunting, Hope has begun the work of saving these children and giving them Hope, one life at a time. But removing a child from the street is only the first step on a long road to recovery.

Because the emotional and spiritual challenges these children face are so extreme due to the horrors of living on the streets, Hope takes a very holistic approach in their recovery, dealing with more than simple physical needs. The program is designed specifically for children suffering from Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), as most street children are, and it counters their pain and despair slowly through a system that educates, heals, restores dignity and equips them for the future with things like job training and even marriage counseling. Today, 70% of the kids who have graduated through Hope’s programs are employed, stable and attending church in their communities.

my granny = my hero

my granny is one of my best friends in the whole world. when I was little, I used to go stay with her and herbie and she would let me eat icecream and mac & cheese for every meal. we would laugh and play and watch movies and old tv shows. we had the best time over gallons of pralines and cream ice-cream. she spoiled me to the Nth degree and I was most fond of her. truth is, she is the most loving person I think I’ve ever met. she loves without condition and without an agenda. her love isn’t based on what a person looks like or acts like. she simply loves. it’s who she is. and she loved me deeply for many years and continues to love me even to this day.

granny suffers from Alzheimer’s disease. she has for several years now. though she gets confused as to where she is and who people are, she still loves. she is a relentless lover and though she might not know who I am anymore, she still looks at me with those eyes. those bright blue eyes. she always saw me with her heart, and no disease will change that. she is the epitome of beauty and grace. in her life, I see the truth of the scripture that tells us that God’s power is perfected in our weakness. she is weak, yes, but she is also one of the strongest women I know. she exudes the relentless love and tenderness of Christ.

recently, she was on the phone with my dad and an unforgettable conversation took place. granny doesn’t remember names and frankly, she has forgotten a great deal about life and reality. but sometimes she’ll have moments of clarity which show the vitality of her spirit. though her mind and body are weakening daily, she is being renewed inwardly and her spirit refreshed. the other day, my dad was talking to granny about various and sundry things, mostly unrelated to one another, and then it happened. the moment of clarity. granny all the sudden began speaking with such conviction and grace. she said, “I love God so much. I love Him so much. you know, I used to love a man who didn’t know God. But I know God and I love Him so much. And I know He loves me. and He is good. God has always been so good to me throughout my entire life. And I know that God loves me and that He is good.”

when my dad told me about this, I couldn’t hold back the tears. it was proof that a person’s spirit can be fully aware whose spirit is home to Jesus. with everything she doesn’t know anymore, she still knows the most important things in life: that God loves her and that He is good.

to me, this is what it all comes down to. if we don’t truly believe that God loves us, how can we love ourselves? and if we don’t love ourselves, how can we love others? for we know the Lord says to love one another as we love ourselves. and if we don’t ultimately believe God is good, how will we survive? our only means of survival is His goodness and sovereignty; knowing that He is always working everything together for our ultimate good and His ultimate glory. and my granny, old and gray and suffering from a debilitating disease knows the secret of contentment in this life: that God is good and that He loves us.

wow. deep breath. I still can’t get over this. what a revelation and what a beautiful thing to know, that my granny still knows the Truth and the Love of Christ no matter what.