letting go - part 2

in "letting go - part 1" i divulged some pretty intense stuff. like how these past 6 months have been about dying to self. dying to the obsession to be successful. dying to identities that are outside of who Christ has made me to be.

to recap: i'm walking through an incredible book by richard rohr called "simplicity" and God is rocking my world with it. in my previous blog i talked about the first of the three compulsions we have to let go of, according to richie. which is how i will fondly refer to him as from now on.

the second of the three is the compulsion to be right. ouch, this is a big one for me because i love to be right. i love to be theologically right, dogmatically right, and so on and so forth. basically, i think i have the right to be right.

i used to be so legalistic back in college. i'm still sometimes ashamed of those days. i knew i was right about, oh, say everything. and i knew everyone else was wrong. if you didn't believe how i did, you were dead to me. if you didn't hold to my same "right" beliefs, i considered you "lost." ugh. but how many of us do this continually everyday?

i remember i used to be so legalistic in my "rightness" that i never hesitated to tell people about how wrong they were. one of my sorority sisters in college drank coffee every morning. in my self-righteousness, i thought Jesus should be enough to wake oneself up in the morning. so when she walked into the dining room, i said point-blank "you always have coffee in the morning. is Jesus not enough?" ---- yep, not one of my finer moments. this is when Jesus would've probably looked at me and said "Get behind me satan. i love coffee too." what's funny is that i'm writing this blog with coffee in the passenger's seat on my couch.

so needless to say, i've come a long way. but there are still parts of me that need to die to this obsession with being right. sometimes we so badly want people to change and think like we think. we want them to see the right light as we have. but this is an obsession we must let go of.

richie writes:

"Many things in life cannot be changed; we can only grieve over them. So long as we are no longer under the compulsion of wanting to change them, we have the freedom to change them. Then the change comes from much greater depth - not from our anger, but from a place of integrity; not from a place where fear dwells, but from deep trust; not from a place where self-righteousness rules, but from wisdom."

not only has God uprooted that desire to be known and be successful in my career and ministry, He is walking me through the importance of letting go of always being right, having the right answers, and making sure other people were convinced i was right and in control. what's the common denominator in all that? ME. self-image. selfishness. again, i'm reminded i need to let go of me in order to find Jesus, who really makes me me anyway.

letting go of being right is really hard though, as i'm sure you are all well aware of. Jesus never commanded us to be right. i remember Him commanding us to love our enemies and love one another - even if we think the other person is wrong. oh but this can be so hard!

"When Jesus healed sick people, he always said 'Your faith has made you whole.' He never said, 'Your correct doctrine, your orthodoxy, your dogmatism have healed you.'" - richie

is doctrine important? absolutely. but not at the cost of failing to love others. it is truly amazing what happens when we have grace with ourselves. we naturally end up having grace for others. when i was the most rigid with others, i realized that it was because i was most rigid with myself. i didn't really love myself, thus i had a really hard time loving others. especially those who were different than me and believed different than me.

i still struggle with judgmentalism. what's ironic is that my latest battle has been to guard against being judgmental toward judgmental people. sounds like a riddle, but it's so true and difficult. i end up doing exactly what frustrates me in other people.

"The problem is precisely in the need to be right and the need to think of myself as right. That is the problem for the soul. I have to do my work and leave the judgment to God. I need to avoid the compulsion to be constantly passing judgment, because those constantly passing judgment are not in a position to honestly perceive their own reality." ouch richie. ouch.

but isn't it true?

so my challenge to you and myself is to choose Love instead of choosing to be right. i have to constantly remind myself to do this with others, as well as apply it to dealing with myself. i am my own worst enemy and my own worst critic. we must start being more gentle with ourselves, less rigid and more loving. so hopefully that will bleed onto those around us. and maybe we can change the world just a little bit through one simple act of love and service to others.

i challenge you to join me in praying this prayer:

"Jesus, help me love You, myself, and others as You have loved me. help me trust you. help me let go of my desire to be right."

love is the new right.

letting go - part 1

so there i was laying in my bed last night having trouble falling asleep. my mind was going 100 mph. i soon realized i was writing in my head. i couldn't stop writing and thinking about stuff i wanted to write. then it hit me: i haven't blogged in a decade. i have so much to say, and that's the reason i haven't blogged. so much has happened, it's almost like, where do i even start? but this morning, i was reading in my favorite new book, and i got inspired to focus today's blog on something very specific, and also very personal.

the theme: letting go

the time: hardest and best time of my life

the place: blogging from my living room couch

the problem: the bug guy just came and sprayed the inside so it smells and i'm getting a headache

the solution: keep blogging

thus, i've returned from the blogging dead. this blog series will be in parts because you would all go blind if you read everything at once. the following quote encapsulates pretty much everything i've been learning and going through since i last blogged.

"In my opinion there are three primary things that we have to let go of. First is the compulsion to be successful. Second is the compulsion to be right - even, and especially, to be theologically right. That's an ego trip, and because of this need churches have split in half, with both parties prisoners of their own egos. Finally there is the compulsion to be powerful, to have everything under control. I'm convinced that these are the three demons Jesus faced in the wilderness. And so long as we haven't looked these three demons in the face, we should presume that they're still in charge. The demons have to be called by name, clearly, concretely, and practically, spelling out just how imperious and self-righteous we are. This is the first lesson in the spirituality of subtraction." -- excerpt from "Simplicity" by Richard Rohr

so... that's what i've been up to (to answer many emails and inquiries) i have been looking these three demons, so to speak, in the face. and up til recently, those compulsions have been in charge.

first, some perspective and time-context:

i led worship on a women's retreat several months ago. since i lead worship for so many retreats, it's easy for me to see myself as someone who is there to serve and pour out, rather than be poured into. rarely do i go expecting to rest and retreat, like most of the other participants. but at this particular women's retreat with a group of amazing gals from the dallas area, nothing was business as usual. or should i say, ministry as usual. God was preparing me for something and this was the catalyst.

at the retreat, the resounding theme was "let go." it wasn't the theme of the retreat and no one necessarily spoke about it, but it was being spoken to my heart every second of every day. one night, i was on a panel where spontaneously i spoke about my deepest fears. my fears grew legs and started walking all over the room out of my mouth. i shared with these women (most of whom i didn't even know) about how my biggest fear was losing my ministry. i struggle so badly with trust. i'm not sure if i'll be able to eat tomorrow, even though God has provided food for me everyday for 27 years. i doubt if i'll be able to pay my mortgage, even though i've never gone one night without a roof over my head and a decent bed. i fear that i'll have nothing, even though my whole life i've had everything i needed. on this panel, sitting on an incredibly uncomfortable stool because my jeans were too tight, i divulged. directly following my flood of fears speech, a friend of mine said something so simple yet so powerful and life-changing.

she said that sometimes at the root of our deepest fears, we will find an idol.

whoa. wow. and ouch. it hit me all at once like a mallet. the root of my fear was my ministry. keyword being "my." had my ministry become an idol? had i finally fallen into that trap against which i have tried so desperately to protect? had i let my ego and self and flesh get in the way of humility, yet again?

yes. yes. and undeniably yes.

that night, everything changed for me. i realized everything had to change for me. i couldn't go back. i was on my face wallowing with conviction. i had allowed life to become about me. God was preparing me, in that moment, to let go. not just of something so small as "my" ministry, but to let go of my entire self. to let go of lindsey kane. to let go of my ambition, wants, needs, desires, fears, obsessions, anxieties, etc.

little did i know that God was going to take me into a season of letting go of everything. a season where lindsey kane ministries would be that seed that fell to the ground and died, so that new growth could begin. so that my heart could be changed. so that my pride and arrogance and self-righteousness would become extinct. or at least, that long arduous process would start. but i'm jumping ahead of myself.

what began that night continues to grow inside my heart each day. even now as i sit here typing, i can go back to that day and that place where i felt the sting of conviction. a friend of mine once said "it can't be all about God when it's still all about you." i never wanted it to be all about me, but for some reason, a little bit of self crept in. so, what began that night was a much needed death: death to self. that might, i became painfully aware of the first of the three things richard writes about in his book:

>>> i had given in to the compulsion to be successful <<<

thankfully, i have the Holy Spirit inside me who will stop at nothing to make me look more like Jesus. so there was a huge part of me that genuinely wanted God to get all the glory. i've wanted Him to be the focus of this ministry He's called me to. but oh the flesh - so strong. almost like that nagging fly that insists on landing on your food. always trying to get in the way. and it had. the fly had flown for far too long. it was time to raise the holy fly swatter and get to killing.

so that's part 1: the death of my compulsion and obsession with being successful. it seems i've been here before, oh say 200 times. but still, God in His kindness, continues tenderly to teach me this lesson.

total worship

so there i was, checking my email which i haven't done in a while, and a friend emailed me an amazing article by paul baloche. enjoy. feel free to share your thoughts, comments, opinions.

"If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins."
- Benjamin Franklin

"Passion, though a bad regulator, is a powerful spring."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Reason is the natural order of truth."
- C.S. Lewis

It's no surprise in today's culture that media is driven by passion. One look at movies and music today will show that the angst and cry of a broken heart will sell far more than a rational understanding or portrayal of the world. The same may to be true for modern church and worship. It is possible that the Church relies more heavily upon passion than it does intellect.

Consider discipleship programs that emphasize the importance of a heart set on fire for God. It's these same programs that encourage living in a constant state of expectation from God-never being satisfied with the place we're at but always striving for the mountaintop. The idea here is that at every peak of faith, there is a higher level of passion and emotion relating to our walk with God. It is true that we want to be continually growing in our relationship with God, but an inordinate emphasis on this type of striving may, in fact, cause disappointment or even loss of faith.
Beyond Adrenaline

Our God is not purely an emotional being. Time and again in Scripture God makes the emphasis on knowledge known: "Make your ear attentive to wisdom, incline your heart to understanding; for if you cry for discernment, lift your voice for understanding" (Proverbs 2:2-3 NAS). Increasingly over the years, I've seen a decline in the meaningful content of teaching and lyrics. Discipleship seems to focus on what to avoid rather than what to learn and question. Worship is based on a permeating drum-line and an epic sound rather than what the words mean that we are singing. Repetition has replaced ingenuity of expression. Emotion and passion have replaced intellect and rationale. What used to be a steady, sound faith is now running the risk of becoming as fluid as our likes and dislikes.

The goal of being a Christian is to become mature in that faith. The emphasis on passion in the Church seems to derail, or at least not encourage, this maturity in faith; instead, passion and emotion develop Christians who upon the slightest bump will wonder what their faith has come to. I've seen this in young and old Christians, alike. When their faith is based primarily on an emotion, the moment that feeling leaves them, they wonder where God has gone.

Here and Now

As worship leaders, we might find ourselves praying week after week in front of the congregation for God to take us to a place we've never been, when perhaps God is trying to speak to us right where we are at. The latter creates an atmosphere of people worshiping in the moment. The former encourages a feeling of unfulfilled urgency rather than immediate connection.

Instead of fiery passion, let me suggest we emphasis a mature expression of love. It is love that is proclaimed to be above all other gifts, above all hope and faith (1 Corinthians 13:13). It is love that does not fail when the feeling fades or when the relationships get tough. Love does not expect a pleasant emotion to accompany it at all times. Love does not expect that we will be excited and in awe of it at every turn. Love does not ask to be pointed out and flaunted in every area of our lives. Rather, love is our foundation. Regardless of how passionate we feel about serving God or other people, our mature, quietly persisting love will withstand the many trials we face.

Total Worship
This subject is not easy to address in our Christian culture. Always-whether it is in politics, entertainment, or the Church-people who focus on emotionalism always look more compassionate and spiritual than those who don't. Let us not be swayed by this façade. Emotion is fleeting, but wisdom and love are steady. Being steady is what will win out in the long run-whether it is in human relationships or in our walk with God. Passion has its place in a body of believers who want to come together to worship God, but this should be only a part of the total worship experience.

CD review

hey peeps!

i know it's been too long since my last blog, but this has been the craziest month, probably of my life. so please have grace on a sistah. 

today i wanted to share a CD review with you that i just received. on my last project, i got a really bad review from a guy in the Christian music industry. and i'll admit, it hurt my little feelers. but i let it make me stronger! yeah right, who am i kidding. it totally still hurts my feelings when i think about it.

but lo and behold, here is a positive review of the new CD "you'll be whole" - which you really should buy. i believe so much in this music that i'm allowing people to copy my cd and give it to their friends. how about that?!

i don't think it's on itunes yet because itunes is as slow as my great grandad's narcoleptic sleep-talking sentences. 

but click HERE to read the review.

and don't worry, i promise i'll actually blog something interesting soon... 

in case you didn't know...

so there i was, looking at the 3000 copies of my new CD in my garage and i thought, "hmm... i should post about this so that people will give loving homes to these CDs"

thus, my post

hey guess what? the new CD is officially out and ready for your purchasing/listening pleasure. you can order it on my website - look for the "resources" tab. it's next day shipping. pretty amazing. and it's only ten buckaroos and let's face it, i need to find them homes so that the music can go throughout the world and bring glory to Jesus.

but let me warn you, this CD is unlike anything i've ever done. it's very out-of-the-box and i guarantee you'll enjoy it. if you don't, i'll give you your money back - and i mean that.

you can listen before you buy on my website: www.lindseykaneministries.org or on my myspace page: www.myspace.com/lindseykane2

ORDER HERE

yes yes, it'll be available on itunes, but not til a couple more weeks. plus, you don't get the cool packaging when you order on itunes. and i get hosed financially.

for your viewing pleasure, here is a video about the making of the new CD:

a psycho dog and my flesh

when i saw this video, after i almost had to change my pants, i realized something deeper. why must i find the teachable moment and the deeper meaning in everything? i don't know. but i figured i would share it with you nice people.

did you see how the dog was relentless about keeping that leg away from his bone? he wouldn't let up. he didn't quit. he refused to even give that leg a chance at the prized bone. and i thought to myself... Paul talks about something similar to what this dog is going through in Romans 7:

15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. 21 So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me.


follow me here... our sin nature, or our flesh as it's sometimes called, is alot like that dog's leg. it creeps up and tries to get our "bone" (steal our joy, get us off track) but we must fight that temptation. the next time i feel temptation creeping up, i'm gonna try to think about this dog and his tenacity to fight off his leg.

grrrr.....

part 2 of the top 100 things (ridiculously long list of randomness)

many of you have been telling me "you need to update your blog loser" since it's been like 2 months and all... so here ya go! the other half of the 100 random things


continued...

51. i lead worship at two churches when i'm in town, not traveling elsewhere. i go from leading at terranova's early service in georgetown to austin baptist church's late service. it makes for quite the eventful morning.

52. every time i get on a plane i have an inner struggle inside my head. i want the exit row for the extra leg space but i don't know if i'm prepared for the responsibility of getting that huge door open. i hear it's really heavy

53. one time i got arrested in branson, MO because i sat on the street corner in downtown branson and opened my guitar case and started singing for money. i didn't know it was illegal and that i had to have a permit.

54. i won countless taco eating contests in high school

55. i have an unhealthy fear of mayonnaise. hatred really.

56. one time i got asked to sing in new england. someone asked me "where in new england are you singing?" i said i didn't know. she kept pushing. so finally i answered "i don't know where i'm singing! i was just so excited because i've never been to canada!" sad thing is, i was serious.

57. i hate geography

58. sometimes the room spins and i don't know why

59. i graduated from texas a&m university in 2004 with a degree in History and a teaching certificate and a coaching minor. before the whole music thing, i wanted to be a history teacher and a coach

60. i'm a Tridelta. wouldn't take me for a sorority girl would ya? delta love.

61. i'm frustrated that i don't understand microwaves

62. pom poms make me nervous

63. i'm the once-a-week co-host on a radio station in austin called the river 102.3

64. i'm having second thoughts as to whether or not it's too egocentric to write 100 things about myself

65. i get frustrated when guys think i like them just because i'm really nice to them. i try to be really nice to everyone.

66. i love hitting the low keys on the piano really hard

67. one time i nominated myself to be on the bachelor. thank God they didn't choose me.

68. i had a speech impediment when i was little. i couldn't say my R's. so my brother would tease me and always ask me to say words with R in them. like roy. couldn't say roy until a couple years ago.

69. i stole from sandra bullock. but if you read my blog you already know that story.

70. someday my dream is to move to kenya and open an orphanage

71. i could eat queso on anything. and its depressing when i travel outside of texas and other states call it "cheese dip" and its sick out.

72. i always sneeze in pairs

73. i tried to get lasik surgery once and i got all the way through to where i was lying on the table to begin surgery and the doctor came in at the last minute and said i couldn't get it done because he said i might have thinning corneas and i could go blind if i got the procedure. i'm still bitter.

74. i'm so stinkin excited about my new EP that officially came out TODAY but i don't like the term EP because alot of people don't know what it means. so basically EP stands for "i didn't have enough money to make a full record so this is a record with 8 songs so we'll call it an EP"

75. i don't like drama

76. i'm literally running out of things to say, and i'm beginning to think this was a bit egocentric of me to think i could actually think of 100 things... so i'm going to stop at 76... seems like a good number

if you're still reading, you should go to my website www.lindseykaneministries.org and order the brand new CD!

plus, i'm trying to raise money to go to uganda and kenya, africa this summer, so go ahead and get you some kanedles while you're at it