So there I was...

the popster

2010-01-30T10:12:00.002-06:00

a couple of days ago, i was washing dishes. i have an obsession with washing the dish before i simply put it in the sink. i tend to enjoy an empty sink. so i was washing and scrubbing and drying and i felt this sense like i should sing to my grandad Pop when i go visit him on saturday.

well, today is saturday. it's 10:12 am and i just poured my coffee and i just got my guitar. it's interesting because in my years of music ministry, i have done special music for numerous nursing homes, assisted livings, and amazing elderly people. but not once have i visited any of my grandparents when they're in the hospital and sang to them (sung to them? i never know the proper word usage there). it was so clear though that i was supposed to sing/sang/sung though.

Pop came to my last CD release party, which i couldn't believe. it was so unbelievable to have him there. he is 99 and has lived a full life. i love the popster - which is what i so fondly call him. while he calls me "lindy." he calls me lindy so much that i began to wonder if he really knew my name was lindsey. lo and behold, he does.

i'll blog again to write about what happens today. maybe nothing will happen. but what i do know is this: music touches a deep place in people's souls, even if that place is closed off. music is a universal language that reaches deeper than our pain, theology, beliefs, prejudices, sociological ideals, etc etc.

the word says that we are spreading everywhere the aroma of Jesus to those who are perishing and to those who are being saved. today, through my music, i hope to spread that aroma to Pop. that he would hear and sense and taste and feel hope, peace, and unconditional love.

go fly a kite

2010-01-27T10:40:00.003-06:00

so there i was today at the dog park with my pups and i saw a beautiful sight:

a dad was at the park with his little daughter. they were flying a disney princess-looking kite. it was relatively windy and mostly a perfect day for flying a kite.

the most beautiful part of all was this:

the little girl was holding the string and at first glance, it seemed like she was the one flying the kite and controlling its path. but as you looked a little closer, it became clear that it was actually the dad who was flying and directing the flight path of the kite. he was allowing his daughter to actively participate in the activity, but overall the dad was taking care of things. it was definitely team work, but overall, the dad was the one ultimately in control. yet the little girl was having a blast. she fully trusted her dad to fly the kite with her. and she let him. yet he let her be directly involved in the flying.

i learned so much about God today while watching that dad and his little girl.

so many times i want to rip the string out of my Dad's hand. and then, my kite crashes and burns. but it's the times when i hold onto the string loosely, ultimately knowing that it's my Dad who is flying. it's He who is in control. and He is working for my good and His glory.

so yeah, go fly a kite. but let Jesus hold the string and direct that kite. otherwise, you'll crash and burn. over and over and over again.

letting go - part 3

2009-08-05T11:36:00.006-05:00

let go of being successful.

let go of being right.

and today's letting go blog will be about the 3rd compulsion we need to let go of:

the compulsion to be powerful. to have everything under control.

this is probably my biggest hang = up. i like to be in the driver's seat of my life, my faith, my future. my my my. but this is what ends up happening when i assume responsibility of driving the car, so to speak:

but i'm a control freak and i love being in control. i love feeling like i have all the power in a given situation. this is an allusion, however. because none of us is really in control.

i know this is a short blog, but the reason i haven't blogged since august was because i haven't had the time i needed to develop this 3rd blog on letting go. so i decided to just write and not try to make it anything. even blogging is a control issue for me. so i'm letting go :) and i'm going to just post blogs from now on and not worry about whether or not it's polished or worthy of reading. i'm just going to share. and continue letting go.

since my last post in august, God has continued to challenge me in the area of letting go. the most challenging part has been this:

letting go of what others think of me

it's oh so hard, but one of the best and most freeing things of all.

letting go - part 2

2009-08-05T11:15:00.003-05:00

in "letting go - part 1" i divulged some pretty intense stuff. like how these past 6 months have been about dying to self. dying to the obsession to be successful. dying to identities that are outside of who Christ has made me to be.

to recap: i'm walking through an incredible book by richard rohr called "simplicity" and God is rocking my world with it. in my previous blog i talked about the first of the three compulsions we have to let go of, according to richie. which is how i will fondly refer to him as from now on.

the second of the three is the compulsion to be right. ouch, this is a big one for me because i love to be right. i love to be theologically right, dogmatically right, and so on and so forth. basically, i think i have the right to be right.

i used to be so legalistic back in college. i'm still sometimes ashamed of those days. i knew i was right about, oh, say everything. and i knew everyone else was wrong. if you didn't believe how i did, you were dead to me. if you didn't hold to my same "right" beliefs, i considered you "lost." ugh. but how many of us do this continually everyday?

i remember i used to be so legalistic in my "rightness" that i never hesitated to tell people about how wrong they were. one of my sorority sisters in college drank coffee every morning. in my self-righteousness, i thought Jesus should be enough to wake oneself up in the morning. so when she walked into the dining room, i said point-blank "you always have coffee in the morning. is Jesus not enough?" ---- yep, not one of my finer moments. this is when Jesus would've probably looked at me and said "Get behind me satan. i love coffee too." what's funny is that i'm writing this blog with coffee in the passenger's seat on my couch.

so needless to say, i've come a long way. but there are still parts of me that need to die to this obsession with being right. sometimes we so badly want people to change and think like we think. we want them to see the right light as we have. but this is an obsession we must let go of.

richie writes:

"Many things in life cannot be changed; we can only grieve over them. So long as we are no longer under the compulsion of wanting to change them, we have the freedom to change them. Then the change comes from much greater depth - not from our anger, but from a place of integrity; not from a place where fear dwells, but from deep trust; not from a place where self-righteousness rules, but from wisdom."

not only has God uprooted that desire to be known and be successful in my career and ministry, He is walking me through the importance of letting go of always being right, having the right answers, and making sure other people were convinced i was right and in control. what's the common denominator in all that? ME. self-image. selfishness. again, i'm reminded i need to let go of me in order to find Jesus, who really makes me me anyway.

letting go of being right is really hard though, as i'm sure you are all well aware of. Jesus never commanded us to be right. i remember Him commanding us to love our enemies and love one another - even if we think the other person is wrong. oh but this can be so hard!

"When Jesus healed sick people, he always said 'Your faith has made you whole.' He never said, 'Your correct doctrine, your orthodoxy, your dogmatism have healed you.'" - richie

is doctrine important? absolutely. but not at the cost of failing to love others. it is truly amazing what happens when we have grace with ourselves. we naturally end up having grace for others. when i was the most rigid with others, i realized that it was because i was most rigid with myself. i didn't really love myself, thus i had a really hard time loving others. especially those who were different than me and believed different than me.

i still struggle with judgmentalism. what's ironic is that my latest battle has been to guard against being judgmental toward judgmental people. sounds like a riddle, but it's so true and difficult. i end up doing exactly what frustrates me in other people.

"The problem is precisely in the need to be right and the need to think of myself as right. That is the problem for the soul. I have to do my work and leave the judgment to God. I need to avoid the compulsion to be constantly passing judgment, because those constantly passing judgment are not in a position to honestly perceive their own reality." ouch richie. ouch.

but isn't it true?

so my challenge to you and myself is to choose Love instead of choosing to be right. i have to constantly remind myself to do this with others, as well as apply it to dealing with myself. i am my own worst enemy and my own worst critic. we must start being more gentle with ourselves, less rigid and more loving. so hopefully that will bleed onto those around us. and maybe we can change the world just a little bit through one simple act of love and service to others.

i challenge you to join me in praying this prayer:

"Jesus, help me love You, myself, and others as You have loved me. help me trust you. help me let go of my desire to be right."

love is the new right.

letting go - part 1

2009-07-16T09:27:00.008-05:00

so there i was laying in my bed last night having trouble falling asleep. my mind was going 100 mph. i soon realized i was writing in my head. i couldn't stop writing and thinking about stuff i wanted to write. then it hit me: i haven't blogged in a decade. i have so much to say, and that's the reason i haven't blogged. so much has happened, it's almost like, where do i even start? but this morning, i was reading in my favorite new book, and i got inspired to focus today's blog on something very specific, and also very personal.

the theme: letting go

the time: hardest and best time of my life

the place: blogging from my living room couch

the problem: the bug guy just came and sprayed the inside so it smells and i'm getting a headache

the solution: keep blogging

thus, i've returned from the blogging dead. this blog series will be in parts because you would all go blind if you read everything at once. the following quote encapsulates pretty much everything i've been learning and going through since i last blogged.

"In my opinion there are three primary things that we have to let go of. First is the compulsion to be successful. Second is the compulsion to be right - even, and especially, to be theologically right. That's an ego trip, and because of this need churches have split in half, with both parties prisoners of their own egos. Finally there is the compulsion to be powerful, to have everything under control. I'm convinced that these are the three demons Jesus faced in the wilderness. And so long as we haven't looked these three demons in the face, we should presume that they're still in charge. The demons have to be called by name, clearly, concretely, and practically, spelling out just how imperious and self-righteous we are. This is the first lesson in the spirituality of subtraction." -- excerpt from "Simplicity" by Richard Rohr

so... that's what i've been up to (to answer many emails and inquiries) i have been looking these three demons, so to speak, in the face. and up til recently, those compulsions have been in charge.

first, some perspective and time-context:

i led worship on a women's retreat several months ago. since i lead worship for so many retreats, it's easy for me to see myself as someone who is there to serve and pour out, rather than be poured into. rarely do i go expecting to rest and retreat, like most of the other participants. but at this particular women's retreat with a group of amazing gals from the dallas area, nothing was business as usual. or should i say, ministry as usual. God was preparing me for something and this was the catalyst.

at the retreat, the resounding theme was "let go." it wasn't the theme of the retreat and no one necessarily spoke about it, but it was being spoken to my heart every second of every day. one night, i was on a panel where spontaneously i spoke about my deepest fears. my fears grew legs and started walking all over the room out of my mouth. i shared with these women (most of whom i didn't even know) about how my biggest fear was losing my ministry. i struggle so badly with trust. i'm not sure if i'll be able to eat tomorrow, even though God has provided food for me everyday for 27 years. i doubt if i'll be able to pay my mortgage, even though i've never gone one night without a roof over my head and a decent bed. i fear that i'll have nothing, even though my whole life i've had everything i needed. on this panel, sitting on an incredibly uncomfortable stool because my jeans were too tight, i divulged. directly following my flood of fears speech, a friend of mine said something so simple yet so powerful and life-changing.

she said that sometimes at the root of our deepest fears, we will find an idol.

whoa. wow. and ouch. it hit me all at once like a mallet. the root of my fear was my ministry. keyword being "my." had my ministry become an idol? had i finally fallen into that trap against which i have tried so desperately to protect? had i let my ego and self and flesh get in the way of humility, yet again?

yes. yes. and undeniably yes.

that night, everything changed for me. i realized everything had to change for me. i couldn't go back. i was on my face wallowing with conviction. i had allowed life to become about me. God was preparing me, in that moment, to let go. not just of something so small as "my" ministry, but to let go of my entire self. to let go of lindsey kane. to let go of my ambition, wants, needs, desires, fears, obsessions, anxieties, etc.

little did i know that God was going to take me into a season of letting go of everything. a season where lindsey kane ministries would be that seed that fell to the ground and died, so that new growth could begin. so that my heart could be changed. so that my pride and arrogance and self-righteousness would become extinct. or at least, that long arduous process would start. but i'm jumping ahead of myself.

what began that night continues to grow inside my heart each day. even now as i sit here typing, i can go back to that day and that place where i felt the sting of conviction. a friend of mine once said "it can't be all about God when it's still all about you." i never wanted it to be all about me, but for some reason, a little bit of self crept in. so, what began that night was a much needed death: death to self. that might, i became painfully aware of the first of the three things richard writes about in his book:

>>> i had given in to the compulsion to be successful <<<

thankfully, i have the Holy Spirit inside me who will stop at nothing to make me look more like Jesus. so there was a huge part of me that genuinely wanted God to get all the glory. i've wanted Him to be the focus of this ministry He's called me to. but oh the flesh - so strong. almost like that nagging fly that insists on landing on your food. always trying to get in the way. and it had. the fly had flown for far too long. it was time to raise the holy fly swatter and get to killing.

so that's part 1: the death of my compulsion and obsession with being successful. it seems i've been here before, oh say 200 times. but still, God in His kindness, continues tenderly to teach me this lesson.

total worship

2009-05-26T19:25:00.003-05:00

so there i was, checking my email which i haven't done in a while, and a friend emailed me an amazing article by paul baloche. enjoy. feel free to share your thoughts, comments, opinions.

"If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins."
- Benjamin Franklin

"Passion, though a bad regulator, is a powerful spring."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Reason is the natural order of truth."
- C.S. Lewis

It's no surprise in today's culture that media is driven by passion. One look at movies and music today will show that the angst and cry of a broken heart will sell far more than a rational understanding or portrayal of the world. The same may to be true for modern church and worship. It is possible that the Church relies more heavily upon passion than it does intellect.

Consider discipleship programs that emphasize the importance of a heart set on fire for God. It's these same programs that encourage living in a constant state of expectation from God-never being satisfied with the place we're at but always striving for the mountaintop. The idea here is that at every peak of faith, there is a higher level of passion and emotion relating to our walk with God. It is true that we want to be continually growing in our relationship with God, but an inordinate emphasis on this type of striving may, in fact, cause disappointment or even loss of faith.
Beyond Adrenaline

Our God is not purely an emotional being. Time and again in Scripture God makes the emphasis on knowledge known: "Make your ear attentive to wisdom, incline your heart to understanding; for if you cry for discernment, lift your voice for understanding" (Proverbs 2:2-3 NAS). Increasingly over the years, I've seen a decline in the meaningful content of teaching and lyrics. Discipleship seems to focus on what to avoid rather than what to learn and question. Worship is based on a permeating drum-line and an epic sound rather than what the words mean that we are singing. Repetition has replaced ingenuity of expression. Emotion and passion have replaced intellect and rationale. What used to be a steady, sound faith is now running the risk of becoming as fluid as our likes and dislikes.

The goal of being a Christian is to become mature in that faith. The emphasis on passion in the Church seems to derail, or at least not encourage, this maturity in faith; instead, passion and emotion develop Christians who upon the slightest bump will wonder what their faith has come to. I've seen this in young and old Christians, alike. When their faith is based primarily on an emotion, the moment that feeling leaves them, they wonder where God has gone.

Here and Now

As worship leaders, we might find ourselves praying week after week in front of the congregation for God to take us to a place we've never been, when perhaps God is trying to speak to us right where we are at. The latter creates an atmosphere of people worshiping in the moment. The former encourages a feeling of unfulfilled urgency rather than immediate connection.

Instead of fiery passion, let me suggest we emphasis a mature expression of love. It is love that is proclaimed to be above all other gifts, above all hope and faith (1 Corinthians 13:13). It is love that does not fail when the feeling fades or when the relationships get tough. Love does not expect a pleasant emotion to accompany it at all times. Love does not expect that we will be excited and in awe of it at every turn. Love does not ask to be pointed out and flaunted in every area of our lives. Rather, love is our foundation. Regardless of how passionate we feel about serving God or other people, our mature, quietly persisting love will withstand the many trials we face.

Total Worship
This subject is not easy to address in our Christian culture. Always-whether it is in politics, entertainment, or the Church-people who focus on emotionalism always look more compassionate and spiritual than those who don't. Let us not be swayed by this façade. Emotion is fleeting, but wisdom and love are steady. Being steady is what will win out in the long run-whether it is in human relationships or in our walk with God. Passion has its place in a body of believers who want to come together to worship God, but this should be only a part of the total worship experience.

CD review

2009-05-01T11:31:00.002-05:00

hey peeps!

i know it's been too long since my last blog, but this has been the craziest month, probably of my life. so please have grace on a sistah.

today i wanted to share a CD review with you that i just received. on my last project, i got a really bad review from a guy in the Christian music industry. and i'll admit, it hurt my little feelers. but i let it make me stronger! yeah right, who am i kidding. it totally still hurts my feelings when i think about it.

but lo and behold, here is a positive review of the new CD "you'll be whole" - which you really should buy. i believe so much in this music that i'm allowing people to copy my cd and give it to their friends. how about that?!

i don't think it's on itunes yet because itunes is as slow as my great grandad's narcoleptic sleep-talking sentences.

but click HERE to read the review.

and don't worry, i promise i'll actually blog something interesting soon...

in case you didn't know...

2009-03-26T15:40:00.004-05:00

so there i was, looking at the 3000 copies of my new CD in my garage and i thought, "hmm... i should post about this so that people will give loving homes to these CDs"

thus, my post

hey guess what? the new CD is officially out and ready for your purchasing/listening pleasure. you can order it on my website - look for the "resources" tab. it's next day shipping. pretty amazing. and it's only ten buckaroos and let's face it, i need to find them homes so that the music can go throughout the world and bring glory to Jesus.

but let me warn you, this CD is unlike anything i've ever done. it's very out-of-the-box and i guarantee you'll enjoy it. if you don't, i'll give you your money back - and i mean that.

you can listen before you buy on my website: www.lindseykaneministries.org or on my myspace page: www.myspace.com/lindseykane2

ORDER HERE

yes yes, it'll be available on itunes, but not til a couple more weeks. plus, you don't get the cool packaging when you order on itunes. and i get hosed financially.

for your viewing pleasure, here is a video about the making of the new CD:

a psycho dog and my flesh

2009-03-24T07:21:00.003-05:00

when i saw this video, after i almost had to change my pants, i realized something deeper. why must i find the teachable moment and the deeper meaning in everything? i don't know. but i figured i would share it with you nice people.

did you see how the dog was relentless about keeping that leg away from his bone? he wouldn't let up. he didn't quit. he refused to even give that leg a chance at the prized bone. and i thought to myself... Paul talks about something similar to what this dog is going through in Romans 7:

15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. 21 So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me.

follow me here... our sin nature, or our flesh as it's sometimes called, is alot like that dog's leg. it creeps up and tries to get our "bone" (steal our joy, get us off track) but we must fight that temptation. the next time i feel temptation creeping up, i'm gonna try to think about this dog and his tenacity to fight off his leg.

grrrr.....

part 2 of the top 100 things (ridiculously long list of randomness)

2009-03-16T20:28:00.003-05:00

many of you have been telling me "you need to update your blog loser" since it's been like 2 months and all... so here ya go! the other half of the 100 random things

continued...

51. i lead worship at two churches when i'm in town, not traveling elsewhere. i go from leading at terranova's early service in georgetown to austin baptist church's late service. it makes for quite the eventful morning.

52. every time i get on a plane i have an inner struggle inside my head. i want the exit row for the extra leg space but i don't know if i'm prepared for the responsibility of getting that huge door open. i hear it's really heavy

53. one time i got arrested in branson, MO because i sat on the street corner in downtown branson and opened my guitar case and started singing for money. i didn't know it was illegal and that i had to have a permit.

54. i won countless taco eating contests in high school

55. i have an unhealthy fear of mayonnaise. hatred really.

56. one time i got asked to sing in new england. someone asked me "where in new england are you singing?" i said i didn't know. she kept pushing. so finally i answered "i don't know where i'm singing! i was just so excited because i've never been to canada!" sad thing is, i was serious.

57. i hate geography

58. sometimes the room spins and i don't know why

59. i graduated from texas a&m university in 2004 with a degree in History and a teaching certificate and a coaching minor. before the whole music thing, i wanted to be a history teacher and a coach

60. i'm a Tridelta. wouldn't take me for a sorority girl would ya? delta love.

61. i'm frustrated that i don't understand microwaves

62. pom poms make me nervous

63. i'm the once-a-week co-host on a radio station in austin called the river 102.3

64. i'm having second thoughts as to whether or not it's too egocentric to write 100 things about myself

65. i get frustrated when guys think i like them just because i'm really nice to them. i try to be really nice to everyone.

66. i love hitting the low keys on the piano really hard

67. one time i nominated myself to be on the bachelor. thank God they didn't choose me.

68. i had a speech impediment when i was little. i couldn't say my R's. so my brother would tease me and always ask me to say words with R in them. like roy. couldn't say roy until a couple years ago.

69. i stole from sandra bullock. but if you read my blog you already know that story.

70. someday my dream is to move to kenya and open an orphanage

71. i could eat queso on anything. and its depressing when i travel outside of texas and other states call it "cheese dip" and its sick out.

72. i always sneeze in pairs

73. i tried to get lasik surgery once and i got all the way through to where i was lying on the table to begin surgery and the doctor came in at the last minute and said i couldn't get it done because he said i might have thinning corneas and i could go blind if i got the procedure. i'm still bitter.

74. i'm so stinkin excited about my new EP that officially came out TODAY but i don't like the term EP because alot of people don't know what it means. so basically EP stands for "i didn't have enough money to make a full record so this is a record with 8 songs so we'll call it an EP"

75. i don't like drama

76. i'm literally running out of things to say, and i'm beginning to think this was a bit egocentric of me to think i could actually think of 100 things... so i'm going to stop at 76... seems like a good number

if you're still reading, you should go to my website www.lindseykaneministries.org and order the brand new CD!

plus, i'm trying to raise money to go to uganda and kenya, africa this summer, so go ahead and get you some kanedles while you're at it

100, yes 100 things you may or may not know (or want to know) about me

2009-01-30T10:00:00.025-06:00

so there i was on facebook and i started doing the "25 things about me" note thingee. it inspired me to go for the gold and try 100. i can't imagine thinking of 100 things to write, but the challenge got the best of me. so here we go...

1. i constantly make mouth beats and i find myself singing all throughout the day regardless of if anyone else is watching or listening. i can't help it. and when i feel awkward singing, i whistle.

2. deep down, i really want to love yoga and pilates but i can't touch my toes.

3. i was kicked out of dance class when i was little. and gymnastics. still can't do a backbend. they are so overrated in my opinion. who needs that in real life, really?

4. if i could hang out with any animal for a day it would be a lion. a nice one that didn't want to eat me. some day i will blog about my amazing life-changing lion dream.

5. when i got my braces off in the 7th grade, i didn't smile for a week because i was embarrassed.

6. i want to go on the oprah show. not just attend. i want to be on it.

7. pad-see-ew is my favorite thai dish in the world. i dream about it at night.

8. i was almost killed by a manatee in the ocean when i was little. and when i say killed, i mean that it looked at me wrong and i got scared.

9. i trained for a triathlon in college and got sick 1 week before i was supposed to do it.

10. mean people stress me out. though i don't show it, i'm fairly sensitive and i wish everyone would be nice to each other. words can tear me apart like you wouldn't believe.

11. i went to counseling for 2 years in college and it saved my life. i might even go back because i love it so much. everyone should go to counseling whether they think they need it or not.

12. i am a DVR junkie. i will not miss an episode of heroes, ugly betty, 24, private practice, grey's anatomy (don't judge me), the office, the bachelor, true beauty

13. i have an alter-ego named hershalee p. suggins who is a 68 year old african-american woman who is the secretary for a church with the longest name in the world

14. one of my least favorite things is what i like to call "purse crap" - the stuff that you unavoidably get under your fingernails when you're digging in your purse for something you know is in there but you can't find it in the black abyss

15. my life long dream is to sing in all 50 states before i die. anyone live in north dakota and need a singer? email me.

16. i dislike the overuse of exclamation points though i'm guilty of it often

17. i don't cry often, but when i do cry, it's an ugly cry

18. when i was little i stole a bible from the dentist's office and i still have no idea why. i mean really, who steals a bible?

19. the one time i actually tried to change a tire, the car ended up falling off the jack and onto my arm

20. my middle school boyfriend shaved my initials in the back of his head for valentines day. i broke up with him a week later.

21. i have no fashion sense nor do i try to pretend like i do

22. i'm a pyromaniac

23. clowns terrify me

24. there are times in my life when i doubt God's goodness and sovereignty. but i'm so thankful that my doubts don't change the fact that He is good and sovereign

25. i hate the way my jeans fit when i dry them. but then i hate how they feel when i dont dry them. it's quite the quandary.

26. 90% of the clothes i own are from target

27. i'm a size 12 (on a good day) and proud of it. one time a lady in the music industry told me she'd sign me and make me famous if i lost 30 lbs. no thanks.

28. i regrettably killed the hamster in my middle school science class because i gave him a bath. i never told anyone. until now. sorry mrs. rodgers

29. one time in college i wrote a song for my spanish final about a famous cello player named pablo casals. my spanish teacher yelled at me in front of the whole class saying i was a disgrace to the entire hispanic community and the country of Spain. she failed me. i thought the song was really good. it was to the tune of la cucaracha.

30. i strongly dislike the use of capital letters and punctuation in my writing, as you can probably gather from all my posts

31. i have an unhealthy fear of daddy longlegs because one time at summer camp, 3 trash bags full of them were poured on me for my birthday. now when i see one i have to go through mental steps to avoid paralysis and tears

32. i can't believe you're still reading this list. and i can't believe i'm still writing things on it. how will i get to 100?

33. 33 is my favorite number, besides 7 and 22

34. i think anyone who says they have all the right answers is possibly the wrongest person in the world

35. i threw a necklace at clay walker (the country star) when i attended his concert in high school. it hit him right in the face and he stopped his song to look down at me with disgust and confusion. i was chased out of the arena by the police

36. my favorite concert/ministry experience of all time was when i performed in a high-security women's prison in anchorage, alaska

37. the first song i ever wrote was when i was 8 and the lyrics were "how do i become a christian? how do i open my heart and let Him in? how do i become a christian? i just open my heart. and He'll come in." a week later i wrote a rap song about being the first white female 8 yr old rapper. my name would be "lil kane" and i would have a grill - i digress

38. it kills me when people judge me based on what they think they know about me

39. i went to a snoop dog concert many many years ago and dressed up in full-on ghetto garb. i immediately regretted that decision as soon as i walked into the venue. i was sure i would get jumped but luckily i made it out alive

40. when i was in high school, i wouldn't allow myself to go in for dinner until i had shot 50 free throws in a row

41. my goal in life is to make every single person who comes across my path feel special and know that they are loved by me and God. without condition. without an agenda.

42. i dream about what it would be like if we got back to matthew 25 christianity: when Jesus says "i was hungry and you gave me something to eat. i was thirsty and you gave me something to drink. when i was naked, you clothed me. i was in prison and you came to visit me. what you have done to the least of these, you have done to Me."

43. when i finally went to the doctor at age 21 to get tested for ADHD, he stared at me from above his glasses and said "this is the most severe case of undiagnosed and unmedicated ADHD i've ever seen in 30 years of practicing"

44. i chew the pulp in my orange juice before i swallow. i've recently been informed that i chew ice cream as well.

45. my life changed when i was on a mountain top in missouri and i audibly heard God say "it's not your fault" - that set me free from guilt i'd been carrying for about a year. long story, i can't go into, but maybe someday i'll blog about that experience.

46. the other time i heard God audibly speak to me was when i was in the bathroom of a Luby's and i heard "I'm going to use you in a powerful way" i looked around the see who was talking to me. the restroom was unoccupied.

47. i would rather be cold than hot any day. a beautiful day to me is a clear cool 50 degree day. i get grumpy when i'm hot.

48. i am obsessed with punctuality. i strive to always be on time. if you're 5 minutes early you're on time. if you're on time, you're late.

49. i hate when i put lotion on my hands and then can't turn off my bedside lamp to go to sleep

50. i'm only gonna do 50 for this post and i'll do another post with the last 50. i have to go get ready for a weekend DNOW event though so i have to stop. thanks for reading :)

God's thumbnail

2009-01-29T08:29:00.003-06:00

i was out late last night walking my dog around the block in hopes of getting a good "potty" before bedtime and i started looking up at the night sky. in my galileo moment, in the clear sky, i saw a ton of stars. but what intrigued me the most was the moon. usually full moons are my fave, but last night it was the thin sliver of the visible moon that caught my eye.

ya know the one: when only a sliver of the moon is visible. my granny used to say it was God's thumbnail. but something so new hit me last night.

the moon was barely visible. literally, only a sliver was showing. but i still knew the moon was there. i knew the moon hadn't gotten smaller, just because i could only see a little bit of it. i didn't doubt the existence of the moon because i could barely see it. i didn't doubt the nature of the moon, just because it wasn't full.

i couldn't see it in its entirety, but i was still awed by it. i still believed it had the capacity to be full. and i knew that my view of it couldn't change its properties.

so this led me to think about God.

i realized in that moment that so often i doubt God's goodness or His sovereignty when i can't see Him in all of His fullness and glory. sometimes i only see a sliver of God and sometimes that causes me to doubt different things. when i'm in a valley or a difficult situation, i can't see clearly. i can't see the full picture. sometimes i can't even see a sliver. but my prayer is that when i'm in those situations, that i will rest on what i do know: God is good. He loves me. and He is in control. He will work everything out for my good and His glory. though i can't see it, though i can't see Him fully, i know He is there in all of His fullness.

my view of Him can't change who He is. when His presence seems distant or His goodness seems to be but a sliver, somehow we need to rest in the promise of Immanuel. He is there.

"Blessed are those who have not seen, yet believe."

- Jesus

i hate white keys

2009-01-26T14:59:00.003-06:00

Edith Sitwell once said "I wish the government would put a tax on pianos for the incompetent."

wow. edith would not have liked me. in fact, had she been at one of my concerts, she surely would've left. because what i do on the piano is entirely for the incompetent.

i can't read music. those little black notes on sheet music scare me more than daddy longlegs running around without supervision.

so maybe you're wondering how i play piano then? well, for the first couple years of playing, i only played the black keys. and you'll see why.

i was performing at my university around the lunch hour one day in college. this politician came up to me and said he'd pay me to provide musical entertainment for his campaign party. he was running for senator or something like that. so being the hungry and poor college student that i was, i said yes. he said he enjoyed my voice and guitar playing.

that's why i was so stunned when i showed up at the campaign party and he asked me to play the piano. only. no singing, no guitar, no microphones. just the piano sitting in the middle of everything.

i could've said "sorry dude, i don't play the piano" but $200 was involved so i decided that maybe those few piano lessons i took when i was younger would miraculously re-surface.

i was sorely mistaken.

nervous, i sat down at the piano, which might as well have been an oboe. it was awkward and i didn't know how i was going to pull this off. but i'm so glad i did, because i learned how to play the piano that day.

i sat down and looked at said piano and decided that i would choose to play the black keys since they happened to be raised up, and also there were less of those keys. so i started playing the black keys.

for some reason, i chose to play every other black key. and i started noticing that i wasn't hitting any wrong notes. and the music kinda came naturally to me. so one note led to a chord and a chord led to a melody and before i knew it, i was somewhat playing this piano.

for some reason, i started playing "my heart will go on" impromptu-style. it just started coming out of my fingers and i was playing it. couldn't explain it. still can't. i guess that's why people call it a gift? cuz i sure didn't work at it. it just came to me. then i started playing other songs naturally, that i had remembered. for some reason they were 80s love songs. not sure how that happened, but i was just glad to be playing something and not getting fired and yelled at.

so i continue playing. did i mention i was asked to play for 2 hours? yes. 2 hours of totally winging it. but played i did. and faked it, i did.

something happened that was borderline miraculous as i sat there playing cheezy love songs. it came so natural to me. i felt the piano keys like i'd been playing for 15 years. i understood musically what was happening. and i knew what would happen if i played certain notes. so i kept playing and different songs would surface.

so for two hours i played some rendition of "my heart will go on" and "i can only imagine" sprinkled in there with other various and sundry musical classics. i fell in love with the piano in those moments. and i got paid for it. not a bad deal.

but surely i'd be found out! surely someone would see i was a fraud of a pianist and kick me out of the really nice hotel ballroom the party was held in. but no. it was just the opposite. in fact, at one point during the night, a man came up to me and said "i recognize that song." i was terrified he was going to say "why are you playing celine dion over and over again?" but instead he said, "ya, i know that song. isn't that a mozart piece?"

i snickered. and said, "of course it is. i'm awesome."

no, really, i told him i didn't know what i was playing. because i didn't. i was just letting my fingers create music and it was more natural than breathing. but still i only ventured on the black keys. with an occasional white key mistake.

that officially launched my budding piano career. i still mostly play on the black keys and i still can't read music. i dont want to. it stresses me out to think about all those little black notes staring at me from those white sheets of music.

hope you enjoyed the video. that really happened. i've learned not to rest a water bottle on the piano when i'm about to play it. pianos and water bottles do not pair well with one another. consider yourself warned.

so what can we learn from this story? God gives us different gifts for different reasons, even when we're not expecting it or asking for it. use your gifts. you have them for a very specific reason.

Hope Unlimited

2009-01-15T14:21:00.001-06:00

in addition to LOVING compassion international, i also want to blog about another amazing ministry that has recently come to my attention. my incredible sister-in-law Erin is doing some work for them and she passed this info along to me and now i want to pass it along to you! She'll be visiting Brazil Jan. 30th, so stay tuned for more info on Hope Unlimited.

her message is below:

I am contacting you to let you know about an amazing ministry called Hope Unlimited for Children. The heart of this ministry for the past 17 years has been to rescue and transform the lives of thousands of homeless, orphaned street children in Brazil.

Just to give you a little background, it is estimated that there are up to 7 million children currently living on the streets of Brazil where their life expectancy is only 3 years. I was amazed by the testimony of one boy who said he lived on gum he picked off the sidewalk during his time on the streets. He and many others have been rescued from sure death when they were taken to one of Hope’s three facilities in the country that house up to 500 children per facility. These kids go through educational, emotional and relational rehabilitation that includes everything from marriage counseling to job training before they graduate. An astounding 70% of kids who go through the program are now in a home with a stable job, and attending church in their community.

Hope’s President, David Nowell has spent a lot of time in Brazil getting to know the kids and hearing their stories and testimonies of God’s faithfulness.

If you are interested in finding out more about this life-changing ministry, please let me know.

Hope Unlimited Video:

Hope Unlimited Website:

http://www.hopeunlimited.org/

More About Hope Unlimited

In the early 1990’s a growing number of children were living on the streets of Brazilian cities. Members of Brazilian local governments decided to do something about the problem by hiring off-duty law enforcement officers to go out, kill and bury these children by the hundreds. One official was even quoted as saying, “Bury them standing up so we will have enough room for them all.”

In 1991 an American missionary by the name of Jack Smith heard about what was happening to these children, so he and his son Phillip booked a flight to go down to Brazil and see what could be done to help. On their flight they met a man whose father was the CEO of a Brazilian orphanage that had just closed its doors. Before the plane landed, Jack and Phillip had the building where they would begin their project, Hope Unlimited for Children. Now, 17 years later, Hope continues its work with three facilities that house rescued street children, plus a newly donated preschool located near Campinas, Brazil that will become Hope’s Child Development Center.

Today it is estimated that 7 million children are living on the streets in Brazil, and while the problem seems daunting, Hope has begun the work of saving these children and giving them Hope, one life at a time. But removing a child from the street is only the first step on a long road to recovery.

Because the emotional and spiritual challenges these children face are so extreme due to the horrors of living on the streets, Hope takes a very holistic approach in their recovery, dealing with more than simple physical needs. The program is designed specifically for children suffering from Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), as most street children are, and it counters their pain and despair slowly through a system that educates, heals, restores dignity and equips them for the future with things like job training and even marriage counseling. Today, 70% of the kids who have graduated through Hope’s programs are employed, stable and attending church in their communities.

my granny = my hero

2009-01-14T18:05:00.001-06:00

my granny is one of my best friends in the whole world. when I was little, I used to go stay with her and herbie and she would let me eat icecream and mac & cheese for every meal. we would laugh and play and watch movies and old tv shows. we had the best time over gallons of pralines and cream ice-cream. she spoiled me to the Nth degree and I was most fond of her. truth is, she is the most loving person I think I’ve ever met. she loves without condition and without an agenda. her love isn’t based on what a person looks like or acts like. she simply loves. it’s who she is. and she loved me deeply for many years and continues to love me even to this day.

granny suffers from Alzheimer’s disease. she has for several years now. though she gets confused as to where she is and who people are, she still loves. she is a relentless lover and though she might not know who I am anymore, she still looks at me with those eyes. those bright blue eyes. she always saw me with her heart, and no disease will change that. she is the epitome of beauty and grace. in her life, I see the truth of the scripture that tells us that God’s power is perfected in our weakness. she is weak, yes, but she is also one of the strongest women I know. she exudes the relentless love and tenderness of Christ.

recently, she was on the phone with my dad and an unforgettable conversation took place. granny doesn’t remember names and frankly, she has forgotten a great deal about life and reality. but sometimes she’ll have moments of clarity which show the vitality of her spirit. though her mind and body are weakening daily, she is being renewed inwardly and her spirit refreshed. the other day, my dad was talking to granny about various and sundry things, mostly unrelated to one another, and then it happened. the moment of clarity. granny all the sudden began speaking with such conviction and grace. she said, “I love God so much. I love Him so much. you know, I used to love a man who didn’t know God. But I know God and I love Him so much. And I know He loves me. and He is good. God has always been so good to me throughout my entire life. And I know that God loves me and that He is good.”

when my dad told me about this, I couldn’t hold back the tears. it was proof that a person’s spirit can be fully aware whose spirit is home to Jesus. with everything she doesn’t know anymore, she still knows the most important things in life: that God loves her and that He is good.

to me, this is what it all comes down to. if we don’t truly believe that God loves us, how can we love ourselves? and if we don’t love ourselves, how can we love others? for we know the Lord says to love one another as we love ourselves. and if we don’t ultimately believe God is good, how will we survive? our only means of survival is His goodness and sovereignty; knowing that He is always working everything together for our ultimate good and His ultimate glory. and my granny, old and gray and suffering from a debilitating disease knows the secret of contentment in this life: that God is good and that He loves us.

wow. deep breath. I still can’t get over this. what a revelation and what a beautiful thing to know, that my granny still knows the Truth and the Love of Christ no matter what.

compassion blog - part 4

2008-12-30T11:03:00.005-06:00

Compassion believes that change begins with the heart of a child. People in poverty believe lies for many many years. That’s why we must start with the heart and mind of a child. We must pour truth over them and tell them that they are special and that God has a plan for them. Each of these children who are sponsored begin a relationship that will have an eternal impact. When a child’s life is changed, it affects the entire family, church, community, region, country, and eventually the world. The ripple effects are endless and lasting.

Compassion International is the real deal. I know my $32 a month is going directly to making a better life for my sponsored child. My life has been forever changed by Compassion, and that’s why I’m writing this blog. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. I’ve seen the children whose lives have been changed by this organization. I’ve visited the offices of Compassion and talked with the staff. I’ve held the children in the schools and sat in on their class lessons where they learn about the Love of Christ. It’s ridiculously difficult to try and sum up what Compassion is and what it’s meant to me by the use of mere words. But I knew I had to try. God has called me to be a voice for the voiceless, to speak up on behalf on children in poverty living all over the world.
As a worship leader, my life was changed when I read James 1:27 that says “Pure and undefiled worship/religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: caring for and visiting orphans and widows in their time of need.” I can no longer just sit there and watch children die in poverty. Did you know that 30,000 children a day die in poverty? It doesn’t have to be this way. We can help change the world. I believe in this so much that I am devoting as much time as I possibly can to share about Compassion.

Would you pray about changing the life of one child today? My intention is not to guilt anyone into sponsoring a child. My intention is simply to make you aware of one of the best and most successful organizations for combating poverty. Compassion is changing the world, one child at a time and you can be a part of it. You can go online at www.compassion.com and look for God’s child for you. You will not just be a sponsor who gives money. You will be so much more: a mentor who will change their life forever. A friend who will speak truth into their lives through your hand-written letters that are translated and given to the child.

Letters are huge in this sponsor-child relationship. I visited one 18 yr old girl who showed me a thick binder of every single letter she had ever received from her sponsor, who had been her sponsor for 15 years. This girl cried as she looked through all the letters and pictures that her sponsor had so faithfully sent her through the years. When I asked this young woman what she would say if her sponsor walked in the room, she busted out into tears, had to sit down, and was speechless. After finally gaining composure, she told me that she wouldn’t really know what to say. She would just hug her sponsor as tight as possible and thank her over and over again for changing her life forever. To see the gratitude on her face made me want to sponsor even more children!

The truth is, I’m addicted to sponsoring children. When I share about Compassion at a ministry event, I put the packets of the children waiting to be sponsored on my product table. Sometimes at the end of the event, there are children who have yet to be sponsored. These beautiful little ones always capture my heart. I have three children now, but if I could, I would sponsor them all!

The bottom line is this: thank you so much for reading about my heart for the ministry of Compassion International. My heart beats with joy in knowing that you might be one that God will raise up to mentor a child living in poverty overseas. Please commit these children to pray and pray that God would continue providing sponsors for these children. We think our economy is bad, but theirs is even worse. We actually have food and clothing, while most of them have nothing. Compassion provides for every aspect of the child’s life and introduces them to Jesus, who is mighty to save.

My GOAL: let's get 10 kids sponsored by February. Go to compassion.com and change a life today!

compassion blog - part 3

2008-12-30T11:00:00.003-06:00

My favorite mission trip of all-time was when I had the opportunity to travel to the Dominican Republic with a ministry called Compassion International. What I’d heard about for years finally became a reality in my life. No longer were the children just pictured on packets. Now they were real children in need of sponsors and mentors. For years I had heard about Compassion from different people and in different concerts. I knew there were dozens of child-sponsorship programs, but for some reason Compassion stood out to me in a unique way. I began studying about Compassion and praying about whether or not the Lord would have me be a part of this ministry in some capacity.

Three years ago, I decided to sponsor my first child Clare who lives in Kenya. That was one of the best decisions of my life. At first she was just a child on a page, but little did I know that she would change my life forever. Much like Grehme, who I mentioned in my first blog, Clare’s life was changed by Love and my life was changed by her.

Three years later, I now sponsor 3 children who all live in Kenya. I literally cannot wait for the day when I get to go to Kenya and meet them all and scoop them up in my arms and spin them around. Also, I’m a Compassion International artist, which means I get to travel across the country with my music ministry and share about Compassion. Before I partnered with Compassion in ministry, I made sure that I prayed a lot about it and researched heavily. I didn’t just want to join up with any ministry. And with all the child-sponsorship programs out there, I knew I had to find the perfect fit for my ministry.

I began looking into the ministry of Compassion, whose mission is to rescue children from poverty in Jesus’ name. What’s unique about Compassion is that they go into a specific region and immediately partner with a local church. In fact, the local church is what drives the Compassion Project. This enables the children to have a spiritual foundation first and foremost. Discipleship can also thrive in this environment. Each child that is sponsored receives necessary food and clothing each day and also receives a Bible-based Christian education each day. I have seen the children and I have visited the schools. I have served food to the children for lunchtime at their Compassion projects and I assure you, this is one of the most real and legitimate ministries out there. When I went to the D.R. with Compassion, everything changed. It all became so real to me and I wanted to tell everyone about what Compassion was doing to change the world, one child at a time.

compassion blog - part 2

2008-12-12T15:21:00.002-06:00

There she was in all her anger, lashing out at everyone around her. I noticed her instantly. She was the uncontrollable 12 yr old girl who was running throughout the classroom hitting boys in the face, wreaking havoc all over the place. I knew at that moment that she was the little Dominican girl I wanted to especially reach out to. I was instantly filled with an overwhelming sense of love for her.

The young girl’s name is Grehme and her life was changed by Love.

Grehme was full of hate when I met her and full of love when I had to leave her. The day I first saw her, she was acting out of anger and bitterness. After I saw her hit her 5th victim, I walked up to her. Wanting desperately to be the hands and feet of Jesus, I gave her a hug. I held her tight but gently. She fought my hug with all her might. As I hugged her, I repeated over and over again in Spanish that I loved her and that she was beautiful. With each sentence of truth that I spoke over her, she fought me less and less. Eventually she stopped swinging and fighting. Eventually she even settled into my hug and allowed me to hold her. Then, I felt one little hand on my lower back. Shortly thereafter, the other hand. She was hugging me back. I couldn’t believe it. The little girl, this great fighter, was hugging me back.

And thus began a changed life thanks to Love.

The rest of my time with Grehme was unforgettable. She was no longer fighting and no longer yelling or hitting anyone. She became a delightful student, ready for involvement. She wouldn’t leave my side. If I was in the vicinity, she was right next to me. She was receiving my love and loving me back. I saw a complete transformation in her life and I knew it was because she had let Love in. For a moment she let her walls down.

My favorite part of my time with Grehme was our last day together. The entire day was filled with the looming sadness of leaving one another. It was also filled with her new obsession with a doll she had brought to school that day. I’d never seen the doll before, but she was acting like it was a real baby. If anyone tried to take it from her, she would cling to her baby doll and tuck it in tight for safety. At the end of the day when the moment came for us to say our goodbyes, I finally asked about the doll. She told me that her doll’s name was Lindsey and it was her best friend. I had to fight back tears. This little girl changed my life, though I thought I would be the one having an impact on the children in the Dominican Republic.

The Giving Spirit of Christmas

2008-12-04T08:29:00.002-06:00

in light of the recent focus of this blog on the ministry of compassion international - let's think about what Christmas is really all about. watch this video cuz it's awesome, but also because it really challenges us to re-think what we give and who we give to.

Compassion International Blog Time!!!

2008-11-13T12:04:00.003-06:00

so there i was sitting on one of many plane rides and i started thinking about how it was time to blog about one of my greatest passions: compassion international - a ministry dedicated to rescuing children from poverty in Jesus name! where to even begin? i have no idea. there is so much i could write and so much i could say. but first, i wanted to start with a video of a guy who has stolen my heart. below is a video taken from a recent Compassion Trip with bloggers to the Dominican Republic.

and here is a letter i received yesterday from my Compassion representative, Brian Seay:

I spent the last week in the Dominican Republic leading a group of Bloggers on a trip to experience the ministry of Compassion. Each time I lead a trip I ask the Lord to guard my heart against the complacency of seeing the ministry firsthand several times a year. Not surprisingly, He has answered that prayer every time.

Last week I was reminded why we do what we do – and that’s to bring the hope of Jesus to those who have lost hope. Selfishly I want all the stories of Compassion to be success stories but I was reminded that success has to have a starting point, not just an ending crescendo. I visited a home where I met a little girl who would not smile and her mother who told us we could pray for her family but she did not believe God would ever answer those prayers. I stood there with the sponsor of this girl and the reason we believe so strongly in one-on-one sponsorship was magnified in front of us. Through huge tears this sponsor took the little girl, prayed over her, and told her she believed that God loves her and has a special plan for her life.

You can read my full take on this home visit at my blog - http://brianseay.wordpress.com/2008/11/04/the-girl-without-a-smile/ -

I followed that home visit with another one where the story of hope was further along and the parents could see real change happening in their lives and the lives of their 2 children who are sponsored. We were almost done with the visit when the 9 year old boy disappeared to another room and returned with his guitar. Immediately a concert broke out in this house – and this kid could play! We put the video of this “house concert” up on You Tube - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=So5qECSm4to
(this is the video from the beginning of the blog)

When you look at the faces on the packets you have with you remember that behind every photo is a story and it’s a story of hope and potential. Thanks for partnering with us in bringing hope to these children!

CHECK OUT WWW.COMPASSION.COM and pray about changing the life of a child TODAY!!!

more blogs on Compassion to come...

here's the thing about love - granny's story

2008-11-04T10:37:00.006-06:00

ride em' cowboy

2008-11-04T10:09:00.003-06:00

i just had to post this recent video of gabby wearing her newest accessory.

the tale of two devotionals

2008-11-01T23:23:00.002-05:00

so there i was thinking of randomness and my thoughts turned into these two devotionals:

NEVER THE SAME AGAIN

One of the hardest things for me in my Christian life is when I feel and act like I used to before I became a Christ-follower. Sure, I have Jesus living inside me, but sometimes I still act like a complete moron. I worry about things I cant control, I fear things that shouldn’t have a hold over me, and I let my flesh run wild. I was hoping that once I asked Jesus to come into my life and be my Savior and Lord that I would automatically start acting like Him. But for those of you reading this who have been a Christian for longer than 2 seconds – you know it’s not quite that easy. One night in college I had reached the end of my proverbial rope. I was completely wrought with anxiety and fear. It was as if I couldn’t make myself surrender to the Lord. That was mostly because I couldn’t even find Him or hear Him in my small, dark dorm room. Instead of wallowing in self-pity as is my usual custom, I decided to write down my endless thoughts. I grabbed a sheet of paper and started writing furiously. My pen couldn’t keep up. All the sudden my head started lifting. My heart started beating a little smoother. I was able to finally catch my breath. In that moment, as I was writing and trying to get it all out, I felt Christ embrace me. I sat there dumbfounded, simply letting Him hold and love me. I didn’t want to leave. I picked up my guitar and started singing the words I had written down. I realized I had been changed after spending those few moments with my Prince of Peace. I felt totally different. Though I still had my flesh and my tendency to worry, I knew I had been transformed in that moment. I would never be the same again. I realized He hadn’t just performed a one-time change when I gave my life to Him, but He continues to change me daily as I meet with Him. Each day is new and each day I have the opportunity to allow Christ to make the old new.

WHERE IS THE LOVE?

I’ve noticed a trend recently: people are having love issues. About a month ago I was on a long flight and found myself thinking about love. Not the kind that makes me want a boyfriend, but the kind that makes me want Jesus. Suddenly I was flooded with thoughts of God, others, myself, and the mysterious idea of love. What is love? Where is it? Who is it? Why do people love? Why don’t they? Jesus quickly began answering my questions. We’ve heard it said that God is Love. He can’t help but love us. He can’t not love. His love doesn’t change based on what we do or don’t do. His love is not dependent on our performance. He just loves. That’s His nature and it’s more natural to Him than breathing is to us. Then I started thinking about why some Christians have love issues. That thought led me to this one: Why do certain people have problems with Christians, but rarely do they say anything negative about Jesus? I guess it’s because sometimes Christians fail to love. I’ll be the first to admit that there are times when I simply do not love others. We need to get back to that good ole’ saying of “They’ll know we are Christians by our love.” But before we can love others, we must first love ourselves. After all, it was Jesus who gave us the idea of loving others as we love ourselves. Then and only then can we love another human being. The problem is, there are many people who don’t love themselves and for whatever reason, they never have. The conclusion to my thinking was this: our ability to love others rests in our ability to love ourselves. Our ability to love ourselves rests in our ability to receive God’s unconditional love. It seems that it really is all about receiving the love of God. We, as Christ-followers must start loving others without condition and without an agenda. Let’s love for the sake of being like God who is, in His very nature, Love. For the love of God, receive it! Without love, we have nothing and we are nothing.

He Knows - story behind the song

2008-10-27T17:43:00.002-05:00

SO sorry i haven't blogged in forever! that should give you some indication with how crazy my life has been. but no worries, i've learned how to say "no" and also how to delegate ministry tasks, thus my time will be freed up. here's a new post about the story behind a song i wrote called "he knows" - will be writing more, i promise :)

"He Knows"

I love my job. I think I might just have the best job in the world. Because the truth is, it’s not really even a job. I get to do what I love and what I’ve been called and created to do for a living. I get to travel across the country and occasionally the world and share the message and hope of Christ through music. Because I’m a worship leader, I get to lead for all different kinds of churches in all different kinds of places. However, one of my favorite things to do is to attend church services without leading. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE getting to do ministry at services, but rarely do I get to just sit in the congregation and sing in the background without being on stage. No one listening and no one watching. Just me singing on the back row. So when I do have the opportunity to attend, it’s special and refreshing. One particular Sunday morning I went to The Village Church in Dallas, TX. I had heard great things about this church and some of my friends went there, but I’d never had the chance to check it out for myself. For some odd reason (or God’s sovereignty), I had an open Sunday and I was in the Dallas area, so I went to visit. The time of worship through song was incredible and the message was amazing, as well. The pastor Matt Chandler was dynamic and definitely the kind of guy I could listen to for 45 minutes despite my major a.d.d tendencies.

He began preaching out of Hebrews 4 and instantly I was hooked and locked in. He began talking about how Jesus sympathizes with our weaknesses. He deconstructed the passage verse by verse and made a compelling case for the reality of the closeness of Immanuel. The first part of the passage goes like this: “For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God who was tempted in every way as we are, yet was without sin.” I was so encouraged by the message because I have many weaknesses and at that time in my life I was feeling like I was alone in what I was going through. So often I get caught up in thinking I need to be strong and keep up the spiritual giant façade, despite my internal sufferings and struggles. But the truth is, that God’s power is perfected in our weakness, not our strength. I felt like God was speaking directly to me through the message. In the midst of trying to write down every word he said, I began to notice a song rising up in me. I was kind of bummed because I didn’t want to be distracted from the message, but God had other plans. Turns out His plans are way better anyway.

Then the pastor said something that hit me like a 2x4: “No matter how dark the trail goes, Jesus knows.” I heard the rhyme and I immediately had a melody and lyric in my head. I tried to shake it at first so I could continue focusing on his message, but it got the better of me. Unfortunately, when I get song ideas in the middle of sermons I have to pause my brain from listening to the rest of the message and I have to get out what’s in my head, otherwise I might lose it forever. So I began feverishly jotting down the lyrical thoughts that God was bringing to my mind on the church bulletin paper thingy. All I kept hearing over and over again was, “No matter how deep and dark the trail goes, He knows. No matter how lonely, lost and low, He knows.” The words were coming out fast and all I wanted was to sit down right then and there with my guitar or piano and write the song. But that definitely would’ve been awkward to walk up on stage and say, “Hang on Matt, I am enjoying your sermon and all but I need to write a song real quick. I just need about 30 seconds.” So I decided to hold it together and stay in my seat until the service was over.

As soon as people started filing out of the building, I went up to the stage and sat down at a beautiful baby grand piano (assuming I had divine permission, I suppose). The tune and melody came almost as quickly as the lyrics. It was as if the song had been completely handed to me, in full, from the Lord. I immediately connected with the lyrics because they so closely represented what I had been going through in that particular season in my life. The Lord was taking me through a beautiful transformation where He was showing me that I was not alone and had never been alone.

When I got the lyrics and melody down, I left the church and immediately started performing this new song at concerts and other ministry events. Eventually, I was able to record it on my latest project. The Lord even provided a way for me to record a music video for the song, which was hilariously fun and out of my comfort zone. It turned out to be an excellent ministry tool, but talk about weakness, I am so not a rockstar or a diva, so making music videos is not my gifting. Plus, in the video, I have on way too much lipstick. I was told it would be necessary because of the camera and lighting and such. But here’s the thing about me: I would rather eat glass chips than wear lipstick. I enjoy a simple gloss, but I digress…

So in my personal relationship with Him, the Lord kept teaching me the importance of weakness and surrender. He was growing deep inside me the passion for authenticity. For too long, I had been fake. I tried to be someone I wasn’t, and it was exhausting. I always thought since I was in full-time ministry that I had to act like I had it all together. I thought I had to be all super-spiritual. But then I realized that God never called us to be strong in our own strength. He called us to be real in our weaknesses. In Paul’s letter to the Corinthians, he tells us that God’s power is actually perfected in our weaknesses, because when we are weak, HE is strong and HE gets all the glory due His name. I wanted so badly to boast in my weakness, though I had no idea what that really looked like in reality. I realized that even when I feel like no one else understands what I’m going through, Jesus knows. Even when my parents and closest friends can’t completely sympathize with me, Jesus can. He knows the ins and outs of every bit of pain and He is intimately concerned about every detail of my life. He’s been there. He knows pain. He felt the deepest of pain on the cross. He knows triumph. He felt the victory when He rose from the dead. He knows hope in the midst of adversity. He is the one who for the joy and hope set before Him, endured the cross. He knows humility. He is the King of Kings born in a feeding trough. And He knows love. He is the Unconditional Lover who first loved us and taught us how to love.

The bottom line is that Jesus knows. Right now, on this day, as you’re reading this, God knows exactly what’s going on. He is the Alpha and Omega of all things and He sees the beginning and end of your particular situation. He already knows how He’s going to get you through this pain and He knows what you’re going through. He is the God who grieves with you. He is the Savior who sympathizes. He is the King who cares deeply for you. He is the Healer who will hold you broken heart and give you a new, whole one. May we never forget that Jesus sympathizes with all of our weaknesses, trials and pain. I love the advice and encouragement found at the end of Hebrews 4: “Therefore, let us draw near to the throne of grace with confidence so that we might find mercy and help in our time of need.” So often, we tend to run away from God when hardships come. Think of Adam and Eve. The first thing they did when they realized they had sinned was to take off running. Of course, God knew where they were the whole time, but they tried to run from Him. They went and hid. But God is calling us to come out of hiding. He is calling us to run toward Him instead of away from Him, no matter what the cause of running might be. We can throw ourselves on His throne for His is safe and trustworthy. He loves without condition and His love doesn’t change based on what we do or don’t do. When the valleys gets deeper and the roads get bumpier, that’s the time when we should run as fast as we can to the Lord for He Himself is our Peace. And when we meet with Him in that secret place, He will remind us that He is in the process of working all things (the good, the bad, and the ugly) together for our good and His glory (Romans 8:28).

We all have times of need. We are all in need of mercy and help. Instead of running away from the Lord in our toughest of times, let’s run to Him. I wrote this song as an encouragement to people who feel like they’re all alone and that no one knows what they’re truly going through. Take heart, He knows. He’s been there and He’s there with you now. He’s holding you and He’s ready to meet you where you are.

smelly cat

2008-09-02T21:12:00.001-05:00

so there i was today trying to clean out some stuff to make my computer run faster (as if i have any real idea how to go about doing that), and i found a fabulous video of a little friend of mine. i just had to share. here's what happens when you teach things to little kids. you don't think they'll remember or glean from your wisdom, but they do. this little gal asked me to sing and teach her a song, so i did. and here is the result:

award winning, dont you think?

Modern day loaves and fishes story

2008-08-28T16:47:00.001-05:00

so there i was this morning driving to the river 102.3 radio station to have a meeting with gary, the cool morning dude to talk about filling in some as a co-host. before i went to the station, i stopped by the post office to mail something.

when i came out of the post office, there was a sweet young gal leaning up against the wall. she asked me very kindly if i had a dollar i could give her. one of my problems is that i never carry cash. only credit and checks. so i stopped and explained to her of my financial mismanagement and unpreparedness. she understood, but i knew in that moment that God's heart was totally for her so i couldn't just walk away. i decided, well, i dont have a dollar, but i have ears and maybe she needs someone to talk to. (disclaimer: dont think i'm super mother theresa/spiritual person because normally i'm very selfish and oblivious to the needs of others... i dont want this blog to be a "hey look at me" piece, if you catch my drift)

so i stop and talk to her. i asked her where she lived and her response confirmed her homelessness. as you read this, remember: Jesus was homeless. for we know He had nowhere to lay His head. and, though He was the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords, He was born in a feeding trough. manger is too sweet. it was a feeding trough.

i asked her if she was hungry, and she said yes. she was very sweet and very shy. you could tell she was uncomfortable with having to beg. turns out she doesn't work anywhere but is looking for a job and just finished high school. after talking a bit more with her, i told her to wait there and i'd be back with some food.

so i go to the river for my appointment and after i talk with gary, he takes me to the break room where Rudy's bbq joint has left tons of bags of breakfast tacos. he offered me some food and i wasn't hungry but i was thinking of post office gal. so i told him about her and he told me to take a whole bag which was filled with yummy treats.

with my bag-o-food in tow, i headed back to the mecca of mail. but she wasn't there. i parked and looked and searched, but she wasn't there. at first i was so sad, because i really felt the Lord wanted to feed her with these tacos. and i was really looking forward to getting to know her better. but she was gone. i was so sad because i was too late.

oh, but God's timing is perfect dont you know?

so as i'm sulking and feeling sorry for myself and the girl, i look over to my right and there is a group of about 10 homeless people all sitting in a group beside the road and next to the post office.

i was speechless, to say the least. and as i saw them, our eyes locked and all i could think of was when Jesus said, "What you've done unto the least of these, you've done unto Me. When I was hungry, you gave Me something to eat..." so i walk over to them. they looked a little suspicious, because they probably thought i was going to through a bunch of tracks at them. lots of homeless people are used to being preached at but not provided for. they're used to being handed tracks, but not food and love. maybe some change here and there, but not the knowledge of how Love can change.

i asked them if they were hungry and suddenly 10 people became 15 people. they seemed to multiply and i thought, "crud, i dont have enough tacos for all these people." each person i met said they wanted a taco. well, except for one man. he declined my offer because he said we was on the food stamp program and wanted me to save that taco for someone who was really in need. that took me by surprise. how beautiful. he is on food stamps and wanted to save the food for someone who is really hungry.

i met each person, shook their beat-up wrinkled hands, and handed them a taco. when i got to the last few people i was certain i was running out. but lo and behold, God pulled a fast one on me. He did it old school, like back in the old days of the new testament when Jesus fed the 5000 with a kid's sack lunch.

i promise you, these burritos kept multiplying. it was amazing. i had enough for everyone and even extras for their friends. people kept coming and burritos kept appearing.

they're response was beautiful. they were so grateful. i must admit, i used to look at homeless people and think, "go get a job. why are you begging when you could go work and get some money?" i had very little compassion. i figured they needed to help themselves. but when i think about Jesus, He never gave or loved based on other people's actions or abilities. He simply gave, shared, cared, and loved. He love wasn't dependent on what the person did. i doubt Jesus walked through the towns and only loved people He thought were worthy of love. He didn't give to people who deserved it. think of the cross. we didn't deserve any of that grace and mercy. but He gave it anyway.

so my challenge to you and myself is this: love without an agenda. try not to think of whether or not the homeless person deserves your love and care. sure maybe they aren't legit. maybe they are begging and maybe they can get a job. but they're still in need and they are considered the "least of these." so let's love them. be aware, care, and share whatever you have been given to share. in my case it was breakfast, but in your case it might be a smile, handshake, or "how are you?" just something to make them feel human and worthy of love.

so like i said, they're responses were amazing. one guy offered me a pair of silver hoop earrings to express his gratitude. another older man said we'd make a cute couple and he asked me out on a date. i told him thanks and that he was the first date proposal i'd had since walking on the pyramids in egypt. (i live a very strange, unique life) and then another guy was totally a Christ-filled man. he started preaching, telling me about the power of God through Jesus Christ. he was quoting scripture left and right, giving God glory for how He's provided.

before i left i asked them of their needs. water, food, anything? they simply said, well, we dont eat much so just come by ever so often and say hello and maybe give us a snack.

we all want to be loved. so... LOVE.

it wins.

Sudanese Refugee Church

2008-07-24T15:24:00.000-05:00

If you're not familiar with the current situation in the Sudan, please educate yourself and make yourself aware of what's been going on. In short, the Sudanese government has been responsible for widespread genocide. Some estimates report that over 400,000 people have been killed, 2.5 million people displaced, and many more injured. This horrendous situation has caused many Sudanese people to relocate. Many of them have relocated to Egypt. My favorite part of the trip, as i said in an earlier post, was when our team got to go to a Sudanese refugee church. I had the opportunity to lead worship and it was one of the most humbling and surreal worship times i've ever been a part of. here is a video that someone recorded. as you watch it, think of how amazing it is that after all they've been through, these beautiful children of God still choose to come to church and worship God, amidst all the pain and suffering. We were able to sing "Hallelujah" together and i caught a glimpse of heaven. more to come later, on the sitaution in darfur and what we can do to help. but for now, i've been a blogging queen today, so i'll give you all a break! p.s. - the very high pitched screaming noise you'll hear is a coming noise that the people of Sudan make. at first, it caught us off guard, but then we ended up loving it. and at one point, i even attempted to mimic it, which the sudanese loved. we all had a good laugh. this is proof that joy is so not based on circumstances.

random egyptian sightings

2008-07-24T14:28:00.000-05:00

here are some pictures from different things i found odd, random, or interesting

in a city with no traffic laws or anyone to enforce traffic laws, somehow we were the only car that ended up with a boot on it... luckily our "bodyguard" commanded someone to take it off. and i got in trouble for taking a picture. dictatorships are brutal.

no one in cairo seemed to carry anything with their hands. when in doubt, put it on your head. i tried to balance my camera on my head and i couldn't even do that. it almost fell and broke and i would've lost everything. but this lady makes it look easy.

just in case you want to work out, there is a gold's gym on the Nile river. think of moses floating down the Nile, stopping at golds to do some power clings.

egypt stores are filled with the strangest and weirdest manikins. they were downright scary. like this woman who looked like she'd been beaten over the head with an ugly stick. and why wont someone fix her glasses?

you've seen many drug dogs i'm sure. beagles, german shepherds, dobermans, and other canines. but this was the very first drug dog i've seen that was a golden retriever. i have a golden, as i'm sure you all know because i blog about her quite often, and i can tell you for sure that this breed will not bust anyone. they will befriend the drug pusher and lick the person holding the drugs. i wondered at the success of this sweet golden retriever. it was like God was giving me a gabby-like dog to satisfy my need for loving on a golden.

apparently frito lay chips, other snacks and yes, even cars

and on these cars, people have zip tied their hubcaps to the wheels

this man was watering a pile of dirt while his friends looked alongside

this man is on a camel, yes, in the middle of the desert, and he is on his cell phone. i was thinking, "wow, those roaming charges must be crazy!"

our "bodyguard" - more on this later - had the longest crack nail i've ever seen. and he totally busted me on taking a picture of the alleged nail.

egypt experience (girls orphanage)

2008-07-24T13:52:00.001-05:00

in addition to visiting and worshipping with the sudanese refugee church, another one of my favorite times in cairo was our trip to the girls' orphanage. i love love love orphans and they have always occupied a special place in my heart. after all, James 1:27 tells us that pure and undefiled religion (worship) is visiting orphans and widows in their time of need. so it was incredible to get to take part in what God calls pure and undefiled worship. especially me being a "worship leader." i really felt like i was leading true worship as i sang for these beautiful gals. i could see the princess in each of them, even if society had tossed them aside. i could see the reflection of Christ in each one. when we got to the orphanage, the gals were a little intimidated by us. every girl i walked up to ran from me! which broke my heart because all i wanted to do was love on them. so finally, after like the 5th girl ran from me (apparently i was wearing an "i'm a scary american" tshirt or something) i decided to sit down at a table and simply pray. i was like, "God, hell-o, you know all i want to do is love on these gals so please provide one or two for me to pour out Your love onto!" before my prayer was even over, a little girl came up very confidently and sat down right next to me at the table. she tapped me on the shoulder, smiled, and matter-of-factly said, "i love you." it was the sweetest sound to my ears. the broken english of an egyptian orphan telling me that she loved me! it was like God turned the tables and showed me a glimpse of His love for me. and that this trip wouldn't just be about what i did for people, but what they did for me, as well. i was ministered to, sometimes even more than i ministered. here's a pic of my sweet new friend making a silly face at me when i started rapping in english. they got a big kick out of that.

after singing Titanic 9 times, literally and i exaggerate not, i sat down next to the gal who kept requesting that i sing "my heart will go on" - of which i know like one verse to. but i couldn't disappoint her. i would sing it and she would say "again" so i took about 30 minutes singing the same song. and they couldn't get enough of it! so, celine, your presence and influence extends even to egypt. after i performed the celine dion side concert, this sweet girl offered to paint my nails. there are two things that i never do: 1. get my nails painted and 2. run unless i'm being chased. but i felt like i should definitely let her. it was her way to love on me. so i sat down and she got out her professional kit of manicure stuff and she gave me the works: french manicure with a heart and cross and every other finger. it was actually a very nice looking manicure. and it was so interesting, for once, to hear arabic instead of an asian dialect when getting my nails done. i always love getting my toes done at the asian place near my house. by the way, if you want a good laugh today, check out this hilarious youtube.com video from comedian anjelah johnson. just search youtube.com for "nail salon - anjelah johnson - comedy time"

here's another picture of me and my sweet friend who said "i love you"... isn't she adorable? my favorite part was that i think i had that tshirt in elementary school back in the 80s. small world!

to the girls at the orphanage: near, far, wherever you are... my heart will go on

egypt experience part 1

2008-07-24T13:17:00.000-05:00

just got back from my mission trip to egypt monday night! sorry its taken me so long to get on the stick with blogging. i know some of you have been waiting patiently for an update! so i've decided instead of writing one big long huge blog about the entire 10 days, i'll just split up some significant moments and experiences in several different blogs! so stay tuned for numerous blogs on the subject of my mission trip to cairo! it was an amazing time and part of me is still in cairo with all the people we came in contact with. i absolutely loved the church i got to go with: indian river city UMC out of titusville, FL. i cherish my relationship with this church and it shows me how much God cares about relationships. me and irc have done many events and there are many more to come! here's a pic of the whole team in front of one of the pyramids!

each day we did something different, and each day was filled with its own incredible experiences. one day we went to a christian discipleship school where we got to fellowship with some other Christians who were attending this 10 day discipleship program. these people were amazing and it was so refreshing to spend time with other believers who are extremely different yet we all have the same God. praise and worship time with them wasn't too different than in the states. they had a keyboard, worship leader, and powerpoint slides. i felt right at home. though i didn't understand any word besides "hallelujah" in their songs, i could still worship alongside them. here's a pic of me and jenny and some gals at the discipleship school. they were adorable and we played games all day.

one day was tourist day. we went to see the pyramids and the sphinx. it was surreal to actually walk on the pyramids that i'd read about and studied about. well, mostly in school i slept during history so i didn't remember alot about egyptian history, but i was still completely enthused by what i saw. the rich history was enthralling. since i was a history major in college, people kept asking me questions. but i dont really retain alot of info, so i made up answers. no one bought it. i did get proposed to while touring the pyramids though. that was entertaining. i said no. i'm just not ready for that kind of a commitment. also, at the pyramids, i had to pay to use the restroom. ridiculous? i thought so too.
one night me and the team travelled to a garbage dump community. it's called "dump city." we attended a church service with an orthodox coptic church in this community. the guys and girls have to worship separately, so the first night i performed a concert for the guys. the church was packed and i was so surprised that the guys actually listened. i had a translator, so basically i would share about what each song was about and then i would share the lyrics and that would be translated and then i would sing the song. talk about difficulty for someone like me with adhd. having to say one sentence, then wait for it to be translated, and then say another sentence. it requires tons of amounts of concentration, which God so graciously gave me. the concert ended up being awesome. except i was about to read eph. 2:8 about how salvation is by grace along. and then my translator informed me that i couldn't read that verse, because this denomination doesn't believe in salvation by grace, but by works. it was so strange to have my own personal filter there with me! i wish i had one for american concerts because who knows what i'll say sometimes. so i'm glad he was there to tell me what not to say, because apparently i would've caused a big commotion if i would've read that verse. here's a pic of me and some of the dump city cave church dudes. each one of them recorded the entire concert with their cell phones. everyone in egypt has cell phones, it seems. no matter what conditions they live in.

my favorite part of the entire trip was getting to lead worship at a sudanese refugee church. i will go into more detail about this in my other blogs, but suffice it to say it was an unforgettable and overwhelming experience to be able to worship alongside people who have experienced so much pain lately. the members of this church were people who used to live in the sudan, but have been displaced along with millions of others because of the genocide in the sudan and darfur especially. i couldn't imagine what these people must have been through to even come to church. they came from tons of miles away and relocated to a region unfamiliar to them. they lost so much. who knows how many people they saw killed and who knows how many of their villages were burned and pillaged. yet, they still came to church to worship. and worship they did! wow. it was beautiful. in the midst of such pain and persecution, they were able to lift their voices in spirit and truth worship. we couldn't understand any of their songs, but we didn't need to. we saw their faces and their smiles and their hearts. we felt the Spirit and He was all throughout that church. i am convinced that the church is most powerful when it is filled with people who are real with their brokenness and pain. what an honor it was to lead these beautiful people in a couple of songs in worship. i had to think of so many other things, just to keep from completely losing it and ugly-crying.

more info to come! but this will have to do for now... ya know, just to wet your pallet.

scary blood pressure man

2008-07-09T22:35:00.001-05:00

so there i was at HEB getting some groceries when i walked down a toiletry aisle. it was the same aisle as occupied by the people who sit in those chairs and stick their arms in the tube thingee that tightens your arm to get your blood pressure reading.

i hate those things because they always hurt my arm and i dont enjoy feeling my heart beat in my upper arm. it's also awkward because people stare at you. but i didn't pay any attention to it because i was there for my mission: toilet paper.

but then i hear a voice from an older gentlemen who actually looked alot like the dude in this picture. minus the tape side-burns. not really sure what that's all about. and i'm pretty sure he didn't have a pocket protector. anyway... out of no where i hear, "hey lady! you're messing up my blood pressure reading!"

i look around, hoping desperately he's not talking to me. but i was the only one around. it was as if everyone at that moment had been raptured, and i was left behind with blood pressure man. so he's clearly talking to me. i look at him and confusingly say, "excuse me?"

he says again, but louder, "you're messing up my blood pressure reading! it's not accurate!"

then finally i begin to realize this is maybe a horrible excuse for a compliment.

so i say politely, "and why is that sir? why am i messing up the reading?" - and by this i really meant to say (but i kept it inside thanks to my filter): "broseph, if you're hitting on me, you've got another thing coming. at least stand up and get your arm out of that tight tube and face me like a real man" but i didn't say all that. i sheepishly retreated deeper into the toilet paper aisle.

but he answered my question, with a very bazaar answer:

"welp, it's cuz you're just so handsome." in my mind i'm thinking, really? handsome? no, because dr. mcdreamy is handsome. i am... well... at least call me pretty! i'm a woman for God's sake!

but the word kept ringing in my ear. handsome. really? i mean, i know i'm wearing a tshirt and my make-up is from this morning and i didn't straighten my hair, but handsome? at least say pretty!

luckily at that time, my dad walks up. (sidenote: me, mom and dad had a dinner/movie date tonight... normally i dont grocery shop with my parents, i'm just saying...)

so i tell the man, "yeah, you probably shouldn't say stuff like that especially in front of my father." and the man looks puzzled but didn't skip a beat and answered, while turning blue because i think he forgot to turn the stupid machine off, "oh! that's your dad? i thought that was your brother!"

i mean really, dude, are you planning on hitting on the whole family?

then mom walks up and he says, "oh and i guess this is your sister!"

mom, dad, and me quickly grabbed the toilet paper and ran as far away from scary blood pressure man as possible. it was definitely one of those memorable family moments. one for the scrapbook.

seriously? who does that? what have we learned here people:

1. don't use those blood pressure machines, they're scary and they eat your arm

2. if you do use said machine, don't stalk the girl in the aisle next you

3. don't call a girl handsome. it's just rude

4. don't flirt with the girl's parents when your flirting attempts with her fail miserably

5. buy toilet paper at sams. they dont have those horrible machines.

Wife-carrying contest?

2008-07-08T17:04:00.000-05:00

so there i was perusing the news today and i thought to myself, "maybe THIS why i'm still single."

for those new to the blog world, the idea is to click on the word "THIS" and it'll take you to the link i'm referring to :) always glad to help.

and now that you've seen the video, hopefully you see what i mean. who in their right mind would succumb themselves to such a potential fiasco? not i. i'll stay single thanks.

walk like an egyptian

2008-07-08T11:16:00.000-05:00

that was my absolute favorite song from my childhood. every time it would come on the radio, i would have to stop whatever i was doing and start dancing. i am definitely a child of the 80s. even if i was in the car, i would ask mom to stop the car and let me out to dance. almost like chinese fire drill team. but, one thing you need to know about me is that i'm a horrible dancer. and i had to be in dance class when i was a little girl. ballet, tap, jazz. the whole nine. i hated ballet. i would rather eat glass chips than be in ballet. tap wasn't good either because my taps were never taps, they were more like thuds. and jazz was ok, but i had to wear lipstick, so i didn't like that at all. i was miserable. much like this little girl.

so i quit dance as fast as humanly possible. much to my brother's excitement because he was forced to sit through 3 hour long dance recitals just to watch me for 30 seconds look miserable on stage wearing a leotard that no human should ever be forced to wear.

i thought i was freed from my dancing woes, but then i got into my senior year of college and realized that i need one more kinesiology credit. i thought, no prob. i'll do anything. basketball, power walking, underwater basket weaving, whatever. but guess what class was the ONLY one that was open? intro to ballet.

leotard required.

i was devastated. but i had to do it. so i did it. i stuck out like a sore thumb. i was the girl who walked like a basketball player among little graceful girls who walked lightly. my teacher kept yelling at me: lindsey, walk lightly. i would respond with anger "these feet are incapable of walking lightly." anyway, i almost failed the class, but because i put alot of heart and effort into it, i came out with a C.

i would even practice my moves for hours in a great hall with wood floors. i was still horrible. no amount of practice would reverse the fact that i was like a giant elephant in a china cabinet.

so why am i telling you all this? well, the one dance i loved when i was a little lassie, was when i got to dance to my favorite song walk like an egyptian. i owned that dance. or at least it felt like i owned it. i was probably a disgrace to the entire dance community, but i felt good about my performance.

well guess what? i will be walking like an egyptian again! yup, that's right! i'm headed to egypt this friday and i'll be there until the 21st and i couldn't be more excited! i will definitely blog all about my experiences, so stay tuned. but for now, i'll just tell you about the awesome things i'll get to do while i'm there!

lead worship, give a concert in english where everyone might blankly stare at me because they mostly only know arabic, tour the nile river, enjoy sweet fellowship with believers in cairo, hang out with university students at a youth conference, visit the biggest evangelical church in the middle east, visit the oldest mosque in the islamic world, visit the pyramids and the sphinx, and my favorite part: ministry to the kids in the orphanage, as well as painting a garbage dump community, shopping in the old market of khan al khalily, stopping by paris on a layover, 20 hours on a plane to contemplate life and why clouds exist, and finally, attending a sudanese refugee meeting.

wow. i can't wait! if you think about it, you can pray for me and the team as we walk like egyptians, and more importantly walk like Jesus.

"You're kinda weird" - Stephen Baldwin referring to me

2008-06-26T08:36:00.001-05:00

so there i was just this morning co-hosting The River 102.3 morning show with heather. in walks stephen baldwin, who i knew was coming in for an interview after me. he was there promoting an amazing event that's happening this saturday in austin with extreme sports and evangelism.

though ashamed, i thankfully have only gotten star struck with sandra bullock. so i was excited i didn't get star struck with stephen. so i'm sitting there just chillin and letting him talk about the event, realizing i'm not cool enough to be a part of this particular radio experience. so, like a middle school shy girl, i sulked back to the corner of the room, letting him do his thang.

i actually enjoyed spectating and watching everything. and stephen was totally nice and cool. very ecclectic and passionate! and he used my favorite word: "authenticity" so instantly i liked him. i mean, look at that face, how can you not like him? especially with that cute hate on.

we met and he was sweet and we got a picture together. normally i dont ask for pictures with famous people, but i couldnt resist. he's got that cool hollywood star pose. here's me trying to imitate the pose. i think i failed miserably.

then randy phillips encourages me to give him a CD, which of course i didn't have. i stopped carrying CDs in my purse a long time ago. but i gave him a card and then heather told stephen about my showcase concert this friday night and he politely seemed interested. he even said he was going to try to come. to which my response was, "ya right, you have so many better things to do!" but the fact that he said he would try to come was cute and endearing. i can assure you stephen probably has better things to do than go to my concert! but who knows. stranger things have happened. c'mon stephen! if you come, i'll give you a free cd!

but here's where it gets good:

he leaves the studio and i realize he's left his energy shot drink. i thought, "well, i could run after him and give him his energy shot and risk him thinking i'm a crazy stalker fan... or i could just play the 'finders keepers losers weepers' game and keep the energy drink. who knows, maybe i can sell it on ebay?" in my lapse of judgement, i chose to take the energy shot and stick it in my lunch bag right next to my turkey wrap and peach. i stinkin' love peaches. i felt no remorse for stealing his energy drink... until... me and heather and jenny are laughing and having a good time and in walks mr. baldwin... looking for something.

desperately looking for something. i knew that "something" was deep down in my bag.

i know exactly what he's looking for: his favorite energy drink shot. heather yells, "you're so busted!" thanks heather. and then i yelled out of sheer conviction "i stole your shot!" sweetly he forgives me and then offers it to me and i'm red as a stop sign at this point. i refuse the drink i just stole. he turns to me and says, "ya know, you're kinda weird. i like weird. i'm gonna come to your concert." i say, "ya right, i wont hold my breath stevo." well, i didn't call him stevo but i wanted to in retrospect. and he said, "ya wanna bet?" and i said "no, i dont want you to lose your money." we'll see :) but i wont be holding my breath.

back to his comment: amen stephen about my weirdness. you hit the nail on the proverbial head. you are correct sir. i am weird. and i have this apparent problem of stealing from celebrities with the initials "SB". go back and check my blog about when i stole from sandra bullock.

maybe i'll make a trifecta out of it. who will be my third celebrity SB that i'll accidentally steal from?

what a coincidence!

2008-06-25T11:28:00.001-05:00

so there i was at the gas pump the other day, which i frequently visit these days, unfortunately! summers are crazy and require me to drive miles upon miles and then more miles. i even drove 7 hours to a camp last week! good thing i just had XM radio installed for my bday. otherwise, it could've gotten ugly. i might have even started hallucinating flying camels basket-weaving or something crazy like that.

i have this obsession, or challenge really, where i love to fill my car up and try and make the dollars be exactly to the whole number. meaning, i don't like 100.50, i will try and get it to stop at 100 and so on. but no matter how hard i try, i can't ever get it. it's always like 1 cent over. it's very damaging to my sense of accomplishment.

but i keep trying and everytime i get a little closer, which gives me hope.

but then last month, i finally hit the jackpot. i was half-way expecting gold coins to pour out of the pump as well. i stopped randomly (without even trying) on $75. i thought, WOW! that was amazing. i wasn't even trying and it stopped right on the money, literally. so i drove off, patting myself on the back for my amazing feat.

then about 3 days later i filled up again. and much to my surprise, it was $75 again! what? are you kidding me! i thought, this is too crazy, this is amazing! after 10 years of trying to get the pump right down to the penny on .00, i get exactly $75 two times in a row! i figured God's favor was just with me. i thought, what a coincidence!

then, 3 days later i go to fill up again. yep, you guessed it. $75 again! in my stupidity, i actually thought "WOW! this is amazing!" and then it dawned on me that the odds of that actually happening for like the odds of me marrying mel gibson. so i sat down, perplexed in my car, and a little depressed that i'd already filled up 3 times in one week... and i realized that it wasn't a coincidence! i'm actually an idiot! the pump is automatically shutting off at $75.

no wonder my car never got filled up the whole way. for some reason, i just kept missing it. then i thought, wow, you know gas prices are bad when you can't even fill your car up all the way. ouch, cutting me off at $75 each time i fill up the ol' car. i keep thinking, if only i could sell my car. but its the only car that's big enough to haul around all my music stuff!

is anyone out there trying to get a car to run off coffee? because i sure function great off coffee.

pilates/yoga background vocals

2008-05-28T19:55:00.000-05:00

so there i was... in pain, in utter embarrassment, in disbelief. why was i there? why was i allowing someone to tell me how to twist my body in ways it was never intended to twist? was this a modern day twister game for adults? why does everyone else say this is so great and why does no one else look like they're about to die from sheer pain and discomfort.

i went to a yoga/pilates class today.

i even went to target and bought a yoga mat. as if i even knew what one looked like. i asked someone and they took me on a tour of the yoga aisle. i picked out the cheapest one and headed to the check out counter. i felt so cool. until i actually went to the class.

one of the worst decisions of my life. i've always liked the idea of yoga. it's alot like running. i so long to run but i can't and it just plain hurts. in fact, i don't run unless i'm being chased. so i decided, well maybe i'll try yoga. how hard can it really be? sure, i can't touch my toes, but oh well! i'll probably be good at it.

no, i'm horrible. i was the worst in the class. for the betterment of everyone's life, the instructor should've kicked me out. not only did i look like an awkward ape trapped in a tennis ball, but my face winced in pain with each new position. down dog? really? more like ouch dog. more like "where is the basketball court? why am i trying to touch my nose to my heels?"

then she asked us to do a back bend. ya right. i elected not to tell her that i was basically asked to leave gymnastics when i was younger because i was the only kid in the class that couldn't master the back bend. all the memories came rushing back. my eyes welled up with tears. not because of the awful memories, but because literally my hamstrings were revolting against me. i was the only one who didn't try the backbend. and i had no shame. i wasn't scared. i was born to look silly like this. i happened to like offering a spectacle for all to look at. the other people in the class were slightly entertained.

it reminded me of when i was forced to take a ballet class in college. mandatory attire: leotard. i'm not kidding. it was humiliating. i almost failed.

so then, just when i thought it couldn't get any worse, the instructor started singing along with the music. i've had instructors do this before, but typically only one word would slip out and usually they were on key. not this gal. nope. couldn't carry a tune in a coach purse with a hypoallergenic dog in it. and she was singing and didn't stop. then on the 3rd song she actually tried harmonizing with the track. she knew no shame. i realized we weren't that different. there i was trying to be a yoga expert and there she was trying to sing. it was a perfect picture of how fun it is to try new things. but it was painful to listen to. and needless to say, i'm sure i was painful to look at. she's probably blogging about me right now. who knows!

but it was a blast. well, by that i mean, the "blast" part was when i got home and threw my brand new yoga mat in the trash can. good thing trash day is tomorrow.

yoga = not fun for me

but i just might persevere because i know flexibility is important. and i still love the idea of being a yoga girl. here's to you, background vocal singing yoga instructor! maybe i'll come back to your class. also, i might just hire you to sing bgv's for me. only if you let me shadow your class someday. it could be a match made in heaven.

nursing home conundrums

2008-05-25T23:01:00.001-05:00

so there i was sitting at my computer when i received a fairly humbling email.

but you need the background info before i start on my tirade.

one of my best friends in the entire world is my granny who lives in lubbock. granny has alzheimers but is the happiest and sweetest most divinely proper woman i've ever known. i rarely get to see her because lubbock is so far away and i travel alot. but i think about her often and love her dearly. though granny doesn't remember much, she always remembers my music. she loves listening to the tapes that my granddad herbie has made her from my cds. i always thought about how awesome it would be if someone would visit her and just sing to her. she loves when people sing to her.

then i took that thought a step further, hmm... i bet there are plenty of sweet old ladies here in austin who might enjoy a song or two. and then in church one day i heard a verse from james that says something along the lines of pure and undefiled worship being this: visiting orphans and widows in their time of need. and, since i'm a worship leader, this was an extremely challenging verse/thought.

all this to say, i started calling around some assisted livings and nursing homes in austin to see about singing there once ever so often. i struck out alot but then i found a place that wanted me to come and sing for an hour during "special music time" at the nursing home.

it was perfect. these people were so endearing. some were bitter and mean, but most were pleasant and reminded me of granny. i was able to live vicariously through loving these people. it satisfied my desire to love on granny when i can't because i live so far away.

then two things happened that are hilarious now, but at the time very humbling.

i got an email from the guy in charge of the nursing home booking, if you will, and he fired me. yep, i got fired from a voluntary nursing home singing gig. honestly, who has been fired from a nursing home? i haven't heard of such a thing. it wounded the good ol' pride, but then i figured it was good for me. but ouch. fired from volunteer nursing home singing. say goodbye to "singing the hits and hymns with lindsey" afternoon once a month. it was over. i was sad. when i asked why, why was i cut from the roster, so to speak, they answered me with this ironic statement: "The residents couldn't hear you." i don't know if that makes anyone else smirk or not, but i found it hilarious that i got fired because they couldn't hear me. did i mention that i brought an amp and microphone? i had amplification, yet i still could not be heard. thus, i was told they wouldn't be needing me anymore. double ouch. my question though: if they can't hear me, who can they hear? oh well. suffice it to say that maybe if i looked really sweet like the red head in the photo above, i might not have been kicked off the island.

and then two weeks later, i was asked to sing at another nursing home in town, and on the day of that event, i called them to make sure everything was in order and they said, "Oh sorry, we forgot to tell you but we won't be needing you today. We double booked with Larry the piano puppet guy. We'll call you."

they never called. really? really? i got knocked out by piano puppet man?

thrice ouch. larry, i wish you the best of luck.

gee wiz, good thing i've got other gigs that keep me afloat, otherwise i would be toast. so i've basically struck out of most opportunities to love on the elderly through my singing abilities. but, lo and behold, there is one assisted living place in austin that i get to sing at once a month. and it's definitely one of the highlights of my month. these people are so adorable and cute, and last week, they actually applauded as i walked in the cafeteria. i think i'm making head way.

if you're reading this, you should totally just go visit a nursing home/assisted living place close to you. just go in and talk to people or better yet, listen to them. they're inspiring and fascinating people who have lived real lives.

just kidding.

tag fetish

2008-05-24T10:59:00.000-05:00

this is going to be completely random and probably extremely non-applicable to your life, but because i joined the blog world, i have to blog about what i'm thinking, however random and potentially uninteresting it might be. having said that, here's what i've been thinking.

so there i was last night at a concert and i was completely distracted by a lady two rows in front of me who was doing something, unbeknownst to her, that was completely stressing me out. i know it's probably no big deal to the rest of the world, but to me, it's always been an issue.

the tag was sticking out of her shirt.

oh big deal! you might say. and i know, it's silly. kinda like the metal on metal thing. but i have this obsessive compulsive desire to go and put the tag back into the shirt, though she's clearly a stranger and would think i was nuts.

can anyone else relate?

and then i was sitting there wondering, will someone please put the woman's tag back in her shirt. and then i though, what if i did? what would her response be? what would my response be if someone did that. i would probably say thank you.

so, yes, i've always had a thing for tags. my parents remind me that when i was little, i was obsessed with the tags on stuffed animals. i didn't really even care about the stuffed thing. i wanted the tag. i wonder what it is about a tag that is so appealing to me.

just had to share... i hear it helps to get things out.

and i was laughing with a friend the other day about how somehow there always seems to be a spiritual application with strange things that happen to me or go on in my brain, but not this time! nope, no spiritual application here! just another weird quirk.

compassion international

2008-05-12T11:41:00.001-05:00

so there i was singing at a methodist church in the woodlands last sunday. for those of you that don't know, i have the awesome opportunity of partnering with an incredibly life and world changing ministry called compassion international (releasing children from poverty in Jesus name) check out www.compassion.com for more details.

i had two minutes to share about compassion in all three morning services. in the first two services, i seemed to stumble over my words. i didn't really know exactly what to say in two minutes that would make them want to come back for the 2pm concert to learn more about compassion. i tried to tell my story but it seemed so rushed because i only had two minutes. so finally in the third service, during some silent prayer time, i finally went before the Lord and started surrendering everything. i confessed that i'd been trying to do it in my own strength... again... and i prayed and prayed that God would speak through me and bring the exact group of people that he wanted at the 2pm concert. i surrendered each of the 20 children whose packets i had brought, to Him, almost as if to imagine laying them at the foot of the cross. as i began praying for the children and reading over verses about the poor, i could see some of the faces of the children. i immediately began weeping (and i'm not a cry-er). then i started balling. and this was literally minutes before i was supposed to give the 2 minute compassion presentation. i couldn't stop crying, but i was able to stop enough to go to the front and talk about compassion. i shared from the depth of my heart about Jesus' passion for the children and how it was a possibility to end poverty. i started crying again. it was embarrassing, but in that vulnerability, it made me real to the congregation. we connected. i could feel it. then i couldn't even finish what i was saying because i started crying again so i smiled and sat down. and the tears kept coming.

sidenote: during the sermon i was looking through an old journal that i had taken with me to the Dominican Republic compassion trip in october. i found a set of lyrics i had written about the children who had so deeply touched my heart. i have been praying that God would give me a song for the children and these lyrics jumped off the page and right back into my heart where they came from initially! so i tore the page out and decided that it had to be a song. but i didn't have a melody, just lyrics. so i waited to see what God would do. more on that in a moment...

after that service, i was confident that whoever came to the concert would be the exact people who God wanted there.

right before the 2pm concert, at 1:55 i sat down at the piano (because i just couldn't wait any longer and i could literally feel this song rising up in me) with the lyrics that i had found earlier in my hand. i started playing and a full song, in its entirety started to pour out of my heart. people start showing up but i had to keep singing. in fact, i couldn't stop. for whatever reason, that sunday at exactly 1:55pm right before my concert, the Lord decided to give me the song i'd been waiting and praying for. the theme song of my heart for the children. a song for Compassion and for my own personal love for the kiddos. the song was born and i didn't even have to try. i didn't even have to work on it. the lyrics fit perfectly with whatever i started playing on the piano and whatever melody i started singing. i knew i had just been given the song that i'd so been desiring for so long, so i told the sound guy to start recording. he did. and i sang the song, for the first time as a full song, straight from God. and he recorded it! i'm going to tell you how you can hear the song in just a second.

then the concert starts and i'm on fire because i just wrote this song i'm so pumped about! and i'm about 30 minutes into the concert when i begin the official compassion presentation. i started sharing my heart with the audience. there only ended up being about 38 people there, which was less than we hoped there would be but i knew they were supposed to be there. everyone was locked in and listening. my words just start flowing and i'm telling the stories and i felt myself literally being a voice for the voiceless. a champion for the children. then (though i hadn't initially planned to) i realized that i wanted to sing the song i had just written. so i tell the audience the story of how i wrote the song literally 5 minutes before the concert started. i sat down at the piano, played the slide show of pictures and verses that i had created, and i started singing. i had volunteers ready to pass out packets and by the end of the song and slide show, all 20 packets had been passed out.

there was not a dry eye in the place, including mine. i could barely get through the song because i could see the slide show from where i was singing!

at the end of the concert i went straight back to the table. all 20 children were being sponsored by loving and excited people! people were finally getting it. they were realizing that the way to truly end poverty is to change the life of one child. one child changes a family, a family a church, a church a region, a region a country and so on and so forth. lives were being changed right there on the spot. out of the seemingly small number of people, all 20 children found mentors and friends for life! wow wow and wow. it was truly amazing how God moved. i had prayed for all 20 to get sponsored and He did exactly that, in His sovereignty and kindness.

just had to share God's glory story with you, the blog world!

on another note: i just found out that a producer in san antonio is giving me a half day of free recording. he's been asking me for months to pick a song and i couldn't think of one. then last sunday i knew, that i'm supposed to record this song. and hopefully it can go throughout the world on behalf of the children! it's called "Least of These" and i hope it blesses you as much as it has been blessing me. keep in mind, it's a very raw recording because we recorded it as i was writing it! so some more work needs to be done, but you'll get the gist of it :)

to hear the song, the only way i've figured out to send you to it is through my myspace page (because i have no idea how to insert an audio file into my blog)

so go to http://www.myspace.com/lindseykane2 and look for the song titled "Least of These". let me know your thoughts and responses. and please, if this touches you in any way, YOU TOO can sponsor and change the life of a child! just check out www.compassion.com and you'll find tons of sweet kiddos that need your help and love!

Mama T, your friend and mine

2008-04-30T16:30:00.000-05:00

so there i was looking through some old documents on my computer, and i found an article i wrote several months ago for Radiant magazine about mother theresa, one of my heroes. and i decided to share it with the blog world!

"Spread love everywhere you go. Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier."
-Mother Theresa

The name of Mother Theresa has always been familiar to me. I knew she was a do-gooder and a giving follower of God, but knew nothing beyond that. I began wondering, "Who is this woman, what did she do, and why did she do it? Upon digging deeper into her history, life, and ministry, I found myself inspired, forever changed, and challenged by Mother Theresa.

A native of Macedonia, Mother Theresa grew up under the anointing of God. From the age of 12, she felt the call of God on her life, believing the best way to spread the love of Christ was to give her life to full-time mission work. At the age of 17 she responded to God's call on her life and thus began the journey that would forever change the course of her life and the world. Initially, Mother Theresa joined a convent of nuns where she was a teacher, however, the poverty stricken slums of Calcutta were calling her name. So, in faith, she devoted her life to helping the poor and needy by starting a school whose students would be the children of the slums she served among. This extraordinary woman lived amongst the "poorest of the poor." She knew she must be about her Father's business and He specialized in loving and serving the poor and needy. She shared her Father's heart for the impoverished and gave her life to this mission.

And so, with children hanging from every limb and sweat pouring from every pore, Mother Theresa worked tirelessly serving the desperate and desolate of Calcutta.

Ask Jesus what He would be doing on earth today. His answer will most likely include loving and providing for the poor and afflicted. After all, it was Jesus Himself who said that it wasn't the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. With every ounce of energy, Mother Theresa had a clear resolve and she would stop at nothing to make sure she was fulfilling the greatest commandments to love God and love people.

Studying her life transformed me. Jesus Christ was so evident in her life that in learning about her I happily experienced Him. Her heart was completely in line with that of the heart of the One we read about in the Gospels. It was Jesus who went out into the streets and healed, encouraged, and loved on people who had nothing. It was Jesus who showed the love of His Father by feeding 5000+ with a child's lunch. And it was Jesus who gave His life so that we might be saved. God has used and continues to use Mother Theresa's life to bring Him glory. Her life's song is still heard round the world today.

I would be remiss to leave out this life-changing quote from my newfound hero, Mother Theresa, "In this life we cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love." Wow. Talk about a brain-teaser. This is completely contrary to what the world is telling us to do and convincing us to be. In today's culture we are told that life is all about us and that we should strive to be great no matter what the cost. Truth is, we were never meant to be great. We were created to make God great, to glorify Him with our lives and enjoy Him forever. If we, as Christians, could grab a hold of this idea and sink our teeth into it, our lives and the lives of those around us would be forever changed. Mother Theresa's life is a direct reflection of God's heart for humanity, which is beating and gushing with love. I am so thankful for her example that alters my life and ministry. Now my focus is on loving greatly though the smallest of things.

Residing here in the comfortable USA makes it easy to turn a deaf ear and blind eye to suffering. God has not called all of us to the slums of India, but we are all called to work and love like Jesus. The human heart can be the dirtiest slum of all. Mother Theresa's life brings a challenge to go into the nearest slum. We can bring love to the impoverished of heart and soul amongst this lavish waste-land where money is primarily plentiful and material need is a stranger. We too can leave people changed and happier by spreading love and by following the example of this woman who walked and loved like Jesus. She has made His way clearer. Look closely. Those dear, worn feet of peace can still be traced clearly in His steps.

written by: Lindsey Kane
edited by: Jennie Riddle
copyright 2007

the door stopper thingee video starring the gabster

2008-04-23T17:11:00.000-05:00

so there i was sitting on a flight looking through all of my videos that i've saved on my computer. and i found this nugget of a short film starring gabby and her obsessions with the little door stopper thingees on my walls. she's destroyed most all of them, but here is one that she was especially intent on attacking.

as i watched this clip, i thought to myself, "wow, that is one persistent pup." in that moment, she challenged my view of perseverance. gabby is showing perseverance in this clip like i've never seen. i think i can learn something from her. don't give up. keep at it, even if you end up looking weird in the process. if you believe it's what God wants you to do, go for it! of course, that is the spiritual application. i dont think my dog felt called by God to attack the metal stopper. but it's a funny video none-the-less. enjoy. and as you watch, remember these words:

Galatians 6:9, "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."

2 Chronicles 15:7, "But as for you, be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded."

Hebrews 10:36, "Persevere, so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised."

James 1:2-4, "Consider it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

the day i accidentally stole from sandra bullock

2008-04-21T13:46:00.000-05:00

so there i was listening to the news yesterday when i heard about sandy's car wreck. thankfully, she's ok. in light of the recent news, i realized i should share with you, my faithful blogees, about the time i accidentally stole from sandra bullock.

i went through a phase where i was bored during the week days because i was only traveling with music on the weekends and some nights during the weeks. so my days were sometimes boring. i decided to apply at starbucks because i figured every singer/songwriter should probably work there at least once in their lives. so i applied and got the job. i loved it and miss it.

one day when i was working at the register, i noticed someone that looked fam

iliar out of the corner of my eye. as she got closer in line i realized who it was. it was one of my fave actresses in all of hollywood, the one and only sandra bullock. usually i don't get star struck, but i'm embarrassed to say that i did that day. but in my defense, i totally kept my cool. well, kind of.

i took care of all the customers in front of her in line and then she stepped up to the register. i kept coaching myself, "lindsey, keep your cool. she's just a person. be smooth." so of course, i say the usual line, "hi. welcome to starbucks! what can i get you today?"

she answered politely and almost shyly from behind her really cute designer sunglasses, "yes, i'll have a grande lowfat latte." first of all, i was pumped that she didn't get non fat like all the other hollywood gals who carry small hypoallergenic dogs in their purses. this was my kinda girl. so in response i say smoothly, "what name can i put on the cup?" i thought that was appropriate so that she would feel normal. i didn't necessarily want her to think i knew who she was, so i wanted to ask her her name and not just assume and write "sandra" on the cup.

good thing i didn't just write her name on the cup, because she answered my question with a playful smirk "sandy." so there i was serving sandy. i'm thinking of making a made-for-tv-movie short film about what happened next. maybe it would air on lifetime right before that movie about the cheerleader who had issues with her mom so she started doing drugs and ended up in jail but was soon rescued by her 6th volleyball coach who then won the olympics.

her drink cost around $4. sandy gave me a $20. at starbucks, we have to put $20 bills or higher in this little safe that is locked to the left of the register. so i took her $20, put it in the safe, and said, "thanks sandy, have a great day!" she seemed puzzled, at best. confused, to say the least. and she politely said (whie feeling sorry for me, i'm sure), "ma'am, i think you owe me some change."

sidenote: at this point, the line is backing up to the door. everyone has now realized who is in line. people are whispering and looking at sandra, though she is desperately trying to hide behind her sun glasses so as not to cause a scene. but there i was, causing the scene. also, at this point i should tell you that above the register, i looked totally cool. i was cool, calm, and collected. i was keeping my cool, despite the fact that below the register my knees were shaking. again, i would have never suspected that i would get star struck. but there i was, star struck. it was just so weird seeing her close up. not to mention, surprised that she was 5 foot nothin. she always looked taller in films. i reminded myself of a duck. they look so cool on the surface of a placid body of water, but underneath their little legs/webbed feet thingees are going a mile a minute. that's how it was for me: above the register, i was good to go. below, i was embarrassingly pathetic and shaking.

back to the part where i steal from her: so there i was panicking a little bit, realizing i had just put her $20 in the safe and only my manager could get it out. and i couldn't give her the change she needed because i couldn't open the cash register. it was a quandary to say the very least. so i tell sandy to hold on while i run to the back and yell to my manager, "sandra bullock needs change! sandy needs change!"

he runs to my aid, smiles sheepishly at sandy (her drink, at this point, had been ready for 5 minutes and cooling) and says, "i'm sorry sandra. lindsey is new here." he proceeded to get her $20 out and give it to her along with a service recovery coupon. that's what we give people when we do stupid things. i was needless to say embarrassed. my shot at being friends with sandy was over. there was no salvaging the what would've been a marvelous friendship. she took the $20, slipped into the corner of the store and looked down, hiding ever so smoothly. she got her drink, sipped it, and walked out.

the store was buzzing. i was spinning and wanted to faint out of sheer disappointment in my "dealing with famous people" skills. i was a nervous wreck and i had stolen from sandra bullock. i bet the lady who hit her with her car feels a lot worse. but this, indeed, was not good. my manager wasn't pleased either, though he found humor in the ordeal.

i couldn't help but think, "sandy, you have all the money in the world. save me the embarrassment and let me keep your $20 hostage, and let's just pretend the whole thing didn't happen. chalk it up to new-employee-of-the-month."

finally my heart stopped racing, i apologized to everyone at the store (though they were amused and frankly welcomed the debacle) and i continued working. but i'll never forget that moment. it was quite entertaining for me to be involved in, i must say.

ya know what though? after all this, i went home and God hit me with a gentle spiritual two-by-four and showed me something from the whole situation. something that impacted my life greatly and here it is:

there i was, shaking and trembling in the face of sandra bullock who just so happens to be famous because she is a good actress. but she is just a human being. she's no different than joe shmoe off the streets. sure she's beautiful and famous and rich, but she's just a person. just like you and me. yet, i trembled in her presence. my knees were shaking and i was sort-of in awe of this superstar.

then i went to church that night and i found myself in the presence of God. guess what? i wasn't trembling. i wasn't shaking. my knees weren't knocking. frankly, that night i was bored. i sang the songs and listened to the preaching, but it barely affected me. i was in the presence of a holy righteous and perfect God, yet didn't blink an eye. He is the God of all creation and the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords and i was in His presence but it had little effect on me that day. the same day that i was in the presence of a mere human and i trembled. where did i go wrong? i think i did a little of what Paul talks about in romans 1 about focusing on the created thing rather than the Creator. ouch. in that moment, God was challenging me to ask for a new revelation of His holiness. and in response i prayed a lyric from a nichole nordeman song: "o let me not forget to tremble." i would encourage you to go and read all of the lyrics from that song. just google "nichole nordeman tremble" and you'll see it. i would copy and paste it here but for some reason i am blog-challenged and haven't figured out how.

sandy, i'm sorry for stealing from you. people in line at starbucks that day, i'm sorry for making you wait. latte, i'm sorry you got cold. roger my manager, sorry you had to come bail me out. and God, i'm most sorry for forgetting to tremble in the presence of Your holiness. make me like isaiah when He caught a glimpse of Your glory.

welcome to america

2008-04-18T20:32:00.000-05:00

so there i was sitting in the airport today on my way to go sing in virginia. and i saw a fairly awkward and funny exchange between two strangers and i wanted to share it with you, my faithful blog readers. hopefully there's more of you out there than just my parents.

while i was seated and sipping on a latte, i was people watching. what else does one do in an airport but people watch? it's one of my favorite past times. especially when people trip and try to play it off. i love the "play it off" techniques. my favorite being the look-back-and-act-like-you-tripped-on-something move. classic.

anyway, so there i was people watching as usual and i became fixated on a man who was apparently meeting a woman for the first time at the gate before boarding. he was talking very loudly and slow. i was instantly confused so i had to keep listening to their exchange. so he keeps talking loud and slow in very concise clear-cut english. she appeared to be of Latino descent. so this really old white guy is talking very slow to this young woman.

his first words to her were "welcome to america" in a slow southern twange. he seemednice enough so i kept listening, wondering what the woman's answer would be. was she here from another country? why was he talking to her like this? who are these people? it sparked my curiosity.

she replied, "i live in dallas, but thanks anyway."

ouch. i saw the poor guy stick his foot in his mouth and then some. she was (as she should be) annoyed at his comment. then i realized, whoa, this guy didn't know this woman at all. he welcomed a complete stranger to america and the woman had lived in dallas her whole life.

classic awkward moments between strangers that i love to be a part of, even if it is from the sidelines. i felt bad for him and her all at the same time. but i also wanted to tell the guy, "bro... just cuz she doesn't look like you, doesn't mean she's from a foreign country."

my political take-away here: love everybody. be welcoming to everybody and try not to judge based on appearances. and please, for God's sake, don't meet somewhere who looks different than you in the airport and say "welcome to america." i appreciated the guy's heart and intention, but his follow-thru was definitely lacking.

Youth obsessions

2008-04-12T21:26:00.000-05:00

So there i was milling about my room this afternoon and i started thinking about hulk hogan, which may seem strange to most of you, but it's not strange to me.

for whatever reason, i was obsessed with this wrestler. i wanted to be in the ring with him. i wanted to be his girlfriend, his daughter, whatever got me closest to him. let's face it, some days i simply wanted to be him. weird huh? i actually remember crying when he lost to randy savage. yes, i have an older brother. can you tell?

so then that got me thinking... what were my other youth obsessions?

well, for one, my pogo stick. i had the most awesome pogo stick. it was bright red. i named it, but it's TMI and embarrassing so i'll spare you. i loved that dang stick. bouncy betty, they called me in the neighborhood. actually, no, no one ever called me that. but i always longed for them to. but one time, i totally bit it and scuffed myself up pretty bad. all for the sake of pogo, i suppose. i am thinking of calling my local congressman and enacting a national pogo stick day. teachers could teach from a pogo stick. the president could give the state of the union address while pogo-ing. ya know, the usual.

most of you are probably thinking, "why on earth is lindsey sharing this with me. i dont care." and that's ok! i probably wouldn't care either. but i told you this blog would be about random things that happen to me and also randomness that goes around inside my head 24/7.

another one of my youthful obsessions was june bugs. because i was born in june, i considered them "my bugs." someone told me they only have a life expectance of 24 hours, but then i started to wonder how they become adults. if they only live for 24 hours then how do the baby june bugs grow up? no clue. if anyone knows, please post something so i can stop living in perpetual curiosity as to the plight of the june bug.

but to wrap it all up, guess what i was most obsessed with? AFRICA. yes, it's true. ever since i can remember, i begged my parents to let me move to africa. i promised them i could take care of myself and that God wanted me there so He would take care of me. they would say, "but lindsey, you're 3 years old." and my response: "so." obviously, i didn't get to go because i had to go to school and all of that normal kid stuff. but i still love the continent. i still think about the zambian people i got to meet when i went on a mission trip there several years ago. and the newest tidbit of info in my life: i want to move to africa (probably kenya) and start an orphanage where kids can find love and education and most importantly, God. eventually, i also want it to house widows. so who knows if it'll ever happen, but i sure want it to!

so, even though most youth obsessions have died out (i'm totally over hulk, i'm way too big for pogo sticks, and june bugs are horribly annoying) i am still completely obsessed with africa and the idea of eventually moving there and living there full-time. mainly because i'm pretty sure i was born there but someone forgot to tell me. it's in my blood and always been. now, this won't be anytime soon, i don't think. not until God calls me out of music ministry to the U.S. (which i am LOVING more than ever, btw).

The most interesting thing I've ever signed...

2008-04-05T19:26:00.000-05:00

so there i was at the clyde football field in clyde, tx.... or as clyde-ites refer to it: clyde, america. i love this little town and i so loved singing for a city-wide benefit concert, raising money for an awesome ministry. more on that later. but the real reason i had to blog today is to share with you a definite "first" in my travels.

after the concert i was hanging out by the merchandise table, which i love to do because i get to meet some of the most amazing people, and a gentleman walked up to me. i already had a good feeling about this guy because he bought me a frito pie and red gatorade (which was awesome, and what better is there to ingest in clyde america really?)

so anyway, he started telling me how he wanted to hold his leg up in the air during my rap. i was, of course, confused, but i kept listening out of sheer curiosity. and then he proceeded with this question: "will you sign my leg?" and i thought, sure! i had been asked to sign weirder things, so i really thought nothing of it.

until, of course, he snapped his leg off. literally.

at first, i was startled and then i realized, OH... lindsey, chill, it's a fake leg! then ensued one of the funniest moments on the road thus far: he snapped off his leg, took it out from below his jeans, and held it up to me. initially i was unsure which part to sign, but luckily he pointed me in the right direction. i took out my red sharpee and put my john hancock on his prosthetic leg.

needless to say, it was awesome. i never got to hear the story behind his leg but hopefully someday i'll get to hear it because he seemed like an awesome dude!

thank you clyde america for your frito pies, your red gatorades, and your citizens with real and prosthletic legs.

gabby and her problems

2008-04-03T11:28:00.000-05:00

so there i was, last night, sound checking at a church i would be giving a concert at that night. about 5 minutes before the students arrived, i looked over at gabby who was running around the church. keep in mind, she's 6 months old and completely potty trained. for whatever reason gabby looked up at me, stopped in her tracks, and started peeing on the carpet, just to the right of the stage.

unreal.

so i'm trying to take my guitar off while gently screaming "No GABBY!" but the second i got to her, she had already unloaded. bladder was officially empty. and the carpet was wet. and i was embarrassed. so yes, my dog peed in church.

too bad that's not the first time something like this has happened. two months ago, i was playing for a disciple now in waco and i let gabby into the church during sound check. again, knowing that she's potty trained. but then jenny starts banging on the drum set and gabby apparently got scared at all the ruckus and guess what? gabby went to the back row, somehow got under a chair and pooped.

i would've rather the pee. but no, in waco she decided she needed to poop. sorry if this grosses you out, but i have a point, trust me.

so the youth minister thought it was a 7th grade boy playing a joke. i had to tell him it was my puppy. oh the shame! what's worse, someone stepped in it and it smelled and then 5 minutes later we had to begin worship. wow. what an intro! hi, i'm lindsey kane and that was my dog that pooped in your church.

ouch.

so i confessed, and cleaned it up and continued on to lead worship but i realized something very important about this fiasco. gabby is a dog. she was doing exactly what dogs do. when they have to poop and pee and can't get outside fast enough, they go inside. they dont try to hide their "stuff". they have no choice but to be real with who they are. dogs will be dogs. talk about authenticity, gabby was being real. she didn't try to fool people into thinking her stuff didn't stink.

so many times we go to church and we put on a mask and we present a false identity to people. we act like everything is ok, despite the pain and inner turmoil. we try and act like our stuff doesn't stink. but it does! we all sin, so let's just be real about it! life is hard, and we will always have struggles and issues this side of heaven. but Paul told us to BOAST in our weaknesses. so let's get real with our pain and our issues. let's be authentic at church and share our pain and struggles with our brothers and sisters in Christ. hope y'all can see the correlation between gabby's carpet adventures and being authentic as Christians, because i sure do!

look at that face! how can you be mad at the lil' pooper?

april fools day blunders

2008-04-01T09:55:00.000-05:00

so there i was having lunch with a friend back in college on april fools day my freshman year. my goal was to somehow fool everyone i came in contact with that day, in some way. unfortunately i picked the wrong person to play an april fools joke on.

we started talking over lunch and she asked me about my parents. i told her my mom was martha stewart's assistant (not true) and that my dad was in prison (not true either). he's actually a very Godly attorney. for some reason i thought these would be obvious non-true statements and that somehow that would be a fun april fools comment.

but right after i told her my dad was in prison, she places her hand on my arm in a lovingly empathetic way and says, almost through tears, "so is my dad. i totally know how you feel." the worst part was, she wasn't kidding. no april fools joke here. she was being completely serious and heart-felt and i felt like the biggest jerk in the entire free world. instead of jumping on the table and yelling "ha ha! april fools" i realized that wouldn't be the best approach to get out of this friend dog house.

so i humbly and repentantly say, "omigosh, i'm so sorry. i was joking." and thus, i started trying to dig myself out of a hole. it went horribly and needless to say that gal never wanted to eat lunch with me ever!

so what have we learned here blog readers? even for april fools, be honest :) or it could get you in big trouble.

i invite anyone who has a fun april fools day blunder to post it as a comment!

metal on metal

2008-03-30T22:47:00.001-05:00

so there i was walking to my mailbox as i do everyday to check my mail when i'm in town. for some reason, when i put the key in the mailbox, i gagged. i have no idea why i gag, at first. but then it becomes clear when i go into my kitchen later that afternoon to make a salad. i make a salad in a metal bowl. great salad full of wonderful things like lettuce and stuff that doesn't make you full. that's why it's usually a pre-game meal. but for this day, it was a late afternoon snack. so i go to eat the salad with a metal fork and i gag again. i realize that something is terribly wrong. gagging at salads is nothing new. i'm not a huge fan of health foods. but this was a good salad.

so why did i keep gagging?

welp, i realized something very important about myself. #1 my biggest fear in the world is mayonnaise. please dont use this against me or i will find you and hunt you down. but a new thing, #2 i cannot stand metal on metal. you may not care about this, or maybe you do. but i'm realizing i might as well go ahead and admit the problem. after all, that's the first step.

so guess what? now that i notice it, it's everywhere. my shower curtain has metal clippee hangee thingees and that slide along a metal rod. PROBLEM. plus, i'm starting to beg complete strangers to check my mail. and i bought a plastic fork to eat my salads with. it's getting out of hand i know. so i'm confessing this to the blog world in hopes of getting my story heard. metal on metal is a serious issue! disclaimer - please always look for sarcasm in my blogs, because it happens to be a spiritual gift of mine.

so now i'm trying to be proactive and force myself to check my own mail. i'm getting good at it. i still gag, but i'm checking it, and that's a good first step. so now i'm trying to find ways to creatively get over my metal issues. any suggestions? good thing i never chewed on metal pipes when i had braces.

so where does this leave us? afraid of metal, mayonnaise, and scared. very scared. what if everything becomes metal one day? what if metal is the new internet? the new cool? metal is the new fleece, someone said the other day. scary stuff people. scary stuff. so beware... and if anyone out there is applying for a job to check mail for people who dont like metal keys in metal mailboxes, let me know.

the good thing about this weird quirk of mine: it reminds me of the good ol' friendship verse in proverbs that says, "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." So now instead of freaking out about metal on metal, i'm going to think about how awesome it is that God has put fantastic people in my life to sharpen me and make me look more like Jesus :) or also, we have those occasional friends who make us gag (let's be real), but they are in our lives for a reason as well! they are what some might call sand-paper friends, and they help in sawing off our rough edges, creating patience and gentleness and love within us!

I finally caved in...

2008-03-27T16:52:00.001-05:00

so there i was today having coffee with a good friend of mine, vicki courtney. an hour later she had convinced me to take on the internet sport of blogging. at first, i was hesitant because i thought "who on earth would want to read what i have to say?" and then i was sold. too many hilarious, random, and awkward things happen to me to keep them to myself. thus, the birth of my blog which will be entitled "so there i was..." because this is how all good stories start anyway.

first blog entry, i have decided to dedicate to my dog, gabby. most people blog about their kids and since i'm without child for the moment (and many future moments), i will blog about my pup. who we will refer to from here on out as the gabster.

so there i was singing at a nursing home in austin... i try and hang out with nursing home peeps on as much of a weekly basis as possible. i started doing this because i realized that pure and undefiled worship is caring/visiting orphans and widows. so if i'm a worship leader, i should probably tap into this. so i go and hang out with the predominantly widowed residents at the nursing homes. i sing for an hour and its a bunch of fun. at first none of them could hear me so of course i started bringing amplification. now some of them think its too loud, but ya just can't please everyone. so i do my best.

but one day i was encouraged by the director to bring the gabster. i was told she could hang out in the patio area where no residents would be. so i stuck her out there with her favorite toys and some water, like every good dog mom does.

little did i know, but one of the residents who we will call herbert, decided to venture out onto the patio. unbeknownst to him, gabby was waiting with bated breath for a new friend. herbert strolled out there accompanied by his walker hoping to enjoy a quiet afternoon alone with the trees. what he didn't know is that his walker would be gabby's new obsession.

what is on the bottom of walkers? yes, two bright shiny and new tennis balls. chaos ensued. gabby decided that those would be her new toys. she mischievously runs up to herbert and steals the tennis balls off his walker. must i say that herbert was definitely off his rocker, so to speak, at this point due to the anger?

so herbert is freaking out trying to chase my dog down, but he can't "chase" because the walker doesn't move without the tennis balls. so he runs in place and gabby runs all over the patio so proud of her new accomplishment. he yells at her over and over again calling gabby an assortment of names she hasn't heard often. she could not be stopped, however. thankfully some of the staff came outside to wrangle in the prodigal puppy. the balls were recovered and given back to their rightful, yet perturbed owner.

spiritual application: at this point, you are just supposed to hopefully get a laugh out of this. the spiritual application may come later or it may not. disclaimer: not all blogs will have specific spiritual undertones. after all, everything is spiritual right? but suffice it to say that herbert is no worse for the wear, gabby is a happy puppy, and i'm an embarrassed yet blogful mother.